more on love

[jocatmust]

Yes my husband asked me to remove the post. He and i have been having problems lately. I am willing to do just about anything he ask to save my marriage. I love him very deeply. He has outside influence in his life that does not want to see us work it out. To be honest, since my husband is ignoring me, I think he thinks I am some girlfriend he is done with and I will go away. One minute he tells me we can talk and the next we have nothing to talk about. He basically told me that if I did not sign some kind of pre-nup papers, I had to leave the house. i told him i would meet him half way on those papers, but he won't bunged, his way or no way. he told me to leave. Now i have no place to live, no money, and a car I am borrowing to have something to drive. I know that I did things to, but I want to work on the marriage. You know they say for better or worst! I just married a few mouths ago and now he wants it over and not try to work at it. He once ask for unconditional love from me and now he can't do the same. i basically had stress in my life and was sick and did not put him first. As soon as I felt better, I started to do things for him. I also have a mother-in-law that likes to butt in. She tells him that I said one thing when I said the complete opposite. i feel she is working against us. I love him and want him. What to do!!!

[mustangII460]

Sounds like you two had problems before the marraige. I hope getting married wasn't a attempt to fix things.

Like I said in the other "Love" post. No trust, No deal. About anythings else can be negotiated. If not, cut loose and roll.

This may need to be moved to the "Smack House."

[jocatmust]

Originally posted by mustangII460
Sounds like you two had problems before the marraige. I hope getting married wasn't a attempt to fix things.

Like I said in the other "Love" post. No trust, No deal. About anythings else can be negotiated. If not, cut loose and roll.

This may need to be moved to the "Smack House."

We did trust each other until his mother put the seed of doubt in his head. I still love this man, but now the trust is definitely gone. Now, I am honestly scared of what his mother may do. i have a problem of cutting loose because I don't want to give up on my marriage. I waited a long time to get married for him just to changed his mind because it is not working for him. That is wrong!

[girlystang]

Originally posted by jocatmust
We did trust each other until his mother put the seed of doubt in his head. I still love this man, but now the trust is definitely gone. Now, I am honestly scared of what his mother may do. i have a problem of cutting loose because I don't want to give up on my marriage. I waited a long time to get married for him just to changed his mind because it is not working for him. That is wrong!

it sounds like you are going through Hell. If your husband ever loved you and will stand up to his mother, he will come back. If not, you need to move on with your life. I feel for you. To be honest, it sounds like your husband is an a-------- and doesn't deserve you. Marriage is a two way street, even thou it can have it times of doubt and insercurities in the other person. I was once married and we also lost our love because of this.

[Stang_Girl617]

Sounds to me like you snagged a mommas boy not that its a horrible thing. but i happen to know the only way he will start thinking on his own again is if you happen to move away and get a fresh start with out mommy. I understand you love him, why not ask if you guys can make a fresh start somewhere new. not necessarly in a new city or state but somewhere further away from mommy. Or maybe, if you havent already tried, sit down with him, talk about how things used to be and how and where things when wrong and what you guys could do to fix it... as corney as that may sound... it fixed my relationship. Not saying that one talk will fix it... but a couple should do the trick. and if that doesnt fix it you could always bite the bullet and visit his mom and talk to her if you love him and want him back enough you would do it.

Hope it helps.

[Fox Body]

Have you determined if he wants the marriage to really end or not? Is there any chance (according to him) if the marriage can really be saved? Have you asked him? Is it all riding on you signing those papers? Have any of you considered any type of marriage counseling, even at this point (without the mother-in-law). Is he really worth the effort?

[nydon]

hey, i hope he doesn't find this post too and make you take it out. it's sometimes better to take advice from strangers that tell you things like they are. by the way...if i can ask, how old are you? you talk like this guy is your whole life, but in actuality he sounds like a hole. you gotta make yourself happy, i know you've heard it a thousand times...but you don't sound like your happy w/ yourself...and if you don't look out for yourself, you can't expect other people too! maybe you need to get away for a while...friends, family, whatever. don't waste any un-needed time if he won't budge. life's too short to be miserable......and you can't be all that bad if your on this stang site.

[jocatmust]

to answer some of your questions. I have already tried talking to the mother-in-law to help. It made it worst. She told him that I fussed her out, when I did not do anything like that. Yes, i would love to put some distance between his family and us. it works with my family. I am 32. I have been out doing things for myself for a long time. I was ready to settle down and start thinking about a family and focus my energy on that. I think in the process I lost myself. I do plan to try to do something for myself as soon as I can, like go back to school for another type of degree so i can get a job in the town i live in. Jobs are hard to come by here. My husband is 35. We both had not been married before. I think the fact that we both waited so long as not help for the adjustment of being married. Yes, I believe he is worth it to try again. I feel that if I don't, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I love this man. He and I have some changing to do to make it work. You are right, sometimes advise from strangers does help. i thank everyone for your responses.

[nydon]

it sounds like you have your mind made up to try. the hard question is does he? i'm sure your smart enough to realize that a relationship is a 2 way street...it seems like your on a one way...in the wrong direction at that. from a guys point of you..i will tell you that the more/harder you push him the faster he's going to back away from you. take a trip w/ the girls somewhere for a couple of days. it'll get your mind of things and make him realize, "this girl's not going to wait around for me". your still young enough to get involved in many more relationships and find the right one.

[Fox Body]

Yeah well, to be frank, a marriage is b/t 2 people. Not the mother in law and the 2 of you or any combination of the 3 (or more) people. It is NONE of her business so don't ever again go and try to "correct" things with her that concern your marriage to your husband. If you have personal issues with her, you can worry about that later. Right now, though, it is simply none of her business. The only persons' business the marriage is is yours and his.

You only answered one of my questions. If that was intentional, then, no problem. I understand and will leave it at that. I'm not trying to pry, just trying to help in whichever (small) way that I can.

[jocatmust]

Originally posted by Fox Body
Have you determined if he wants the marriage to really end or not? Is there any chance (according to him) if the marriage can really be saved? Have you asked him? Is it all riding on you signing those papers? Have any of you considered any type of marriage counseling, even at this point (without the mother-in-law). Is he really worth the effort?

Sorry i did not answer you fully. He saids that he wants to get separation papers. Then he saids maybe we can talk and we are laughing at each other. I can't let go that there may be some hope still left there. i feel if we can laugh that there must be hope. those d--- papers! i have told him that i want the papers so I can take them to a lawyer's office so he/she can explain them to me, so i know what I might be signing. Yes, we have already started counseling. We went to one session together and went great. Then i went to my alone session, then he went to his. He told me that the counseler told him that our marriage didnot have a snows ball in h of lasting. I guess that is what he wanted to hear. We went to her to save our marriage, not to have her destroy it. i told her this. Bad choice of counselor. Again, for love and marriage he is worth it.

[Fox Body]

Well, sorry to hear all the stuff that you have to go through. Man, what a wonderful counselor . Just a suggestion, but sometimes it helps to write each other a letter (handwritten) about the good things you like about each other.

In any case, hope you guys can work it out and feel free to come on here and vent whenever you need to.....

[jocatmust]

Originally posted by Fox Body
Well, sorry to hear all the stuff that you have to go through. Man, what a wonderful counselor . Just a suggestion, but sometimes it helps to write each other a letter (handwritten) about the good things you like about each other.

In any case, hope you guys can work it out and feel free to come on here and vent whenever you need to.....

I was hoping that we were going to work things out to, but i think he went to a lawyer and they told him to not talk to me. The day before I spoke with him and at the end of the conversation he said he would call me. i got my hopes up and i was excited the whole day. at the end of the night, no call. I was so upset and disappointed. I want him to give another try, but i see now he is done with me and he wants me gone. i guess the honest truth is that he never loved me in the first place and his wedding vows meant nothing. To him, I guess he has justified why the marriage is over in his mind and it is okay to walk away. i guess I have to pick up the pieces and move on. I am so hurt that at this point, i don't want to try love ever again. My husband does look at this site, so i guess he is angry over this too!! What to do!!!

[mustardjohn]

Pack your bags and get as far away from this situation as possible. There are people out there that will be your friend and over time strong relationships will grow. Get away form this one today. Don't delay and don't look back.

Go make some more friends. And don't marry anyone you are not friends with first.

At 32 you have your whole adult life ahead of you.

[Mr 5 0]

jocatmust:

I'm coming in late to the thread and don't know all the details as I never saw the deleted post but here's what I do see: Two self-centered people (which is common and expected when you wait until your 30's to marry) who didn't totally commit to the marriage. As soon as things went poorly, he wants to cut and run. You hinted at some 'neglect' of your new husband due to some undefined 'problems' you had early on so that obviously hurt the marriage. Men want not only unconditional love, as do women, but respect and admiration from their wives. If your new husband didn't feel he was receiving that, for whatever reason, I can see why, after waiting until age 35 to marry, he would want out. He probably has preconceived ideas about women and marriage and he apparently assumes that you're not going to be the wife he expected so he wants to get out of the marriage. This is just fear based on unrealistic expectations as well as some neglect on your part. Marriage is difficult and each partner has to sacrifice for the other, sometimes unequally. Warm feelings and sexual attraction don't cut it, as you can see all too clearly in your unhappy situation.

Avoid the mother-in-law like the plague. She is a negative factor, undermining your relationship with her son. At 35, he's a wimp to not keep his mommy out of his marriage so you have to do the best you can to work around her, but it won't be easy. Frankly, if he's already dealing with an attorney, it's pretty doubtful that you can keep the marriage intact. They have one goal: a divorce (and a fat fee). The attorney will put ideas in his head (he'll assume you want to take all of his money/possessions) and make you look greedy and manipulative if you object to anything. It stinks - but this is what divorce attorneys tend to do to 'protect' their client.

This is a sad situation and I truly hope you can convince your husband to try again to work things out and save the love you once shared and the marriage that you have. I wish you much luck and hope you'll let us know what happens.

[jocatmust]

You are right on one thing, he does have high expections of what a wife is supposed to do. He sees it as he is boss and I do as I am told. I told him before marriage that I was not like this. He knew. I did alot of things for him because I was happy to do them because I loved him. I got sick with the flu for about three weeks and was too tired to do things. This made him angry because he could not understand. He did bail early on as soon as problems happened. We had not fought until then. His mother butting in from the start did not help. In his mind, I left. He told me for three days straight to leave. What am I suppose to do. I went to the house to try to get the last remaining things I had in the house. He would not let me in the house. By law, I have a right to enter. That day he showed me just how mean he can be. I knew when he drank that he was mean, but I never thought he could be as mean as he could be. This man took vows with me, and now they mean nothing. I can't believe I waited 32 years to find my Mr. Right, to have him basically tell me he does not love me and after three months of marriage he wants out. He tells me I married for money. For one, he doesn't have any and two if I did, why was I always worried about saving money.When he told me to leave, I left with no place to live, no money, and no car. I didn't take a necklace he gave me, or a watch his mother gave me that I wanted him to give me, but no, he couldn't tell his mother no. I left him things that I bought for the house. I had a turkey thawing out in the sink to cook him a nice meal. Please!!! Now, he tells me he is looking for a quick way to get a divorced. Then he tells me he and I might can start over and date. He is toying with my emotions. I considered being told that I only married for money as an insult that I take very personally. I am not like that, nor have I ever been. He puts value in money. At christmas, his parents spent $800.00 on him and his brother. I think that they could have find a better and more loving why to show how much that they care about one another. Money will get you no where. Love, kindness, and respect will get you more places. He just bought a new car, and he tells me he got his self-esteem back. I can't believe he needs a car to make him feel good about his self. Please, I think if he listened to his heart and not his drinking bundies or his mother, he might find peace. The sad thing is, I still love him. I know he has no clue what he wants, nor does he want to be married. I plan to move on with my life. He told me the marriage is OVER! There is nothing I can do, and as mean as he has been I don't think he would have a chance. Yes, you can tell that I am very hurt. I appreciate your honesty. You are right, the one thing I have always done is respect people and the way they think. I did respect my husband until he allowed his mother to talk, well not so nice to me. I am his wife and expected him to take up for me. I know that this is his mother, but isn't marriage about he and I and our future? He has beleive his mother over me every time. He doesn't even give me the benefit of the doubt. At this point, I give up!! I have told him to not contact me anymore. I can't take his insults and his meanness!! I know that it takes two to ruin a relationship, I know that I am to blame too, but the buttom line is that he has wanted out of the marriage since basically it happened. I can't believe him!! He pushed me into marriage for him just to want to bail, what is that!!!

[MidNiteBlu 5.0]

It sounds to me like you need to get out, if he thinks you should just to whatever he says you dont deserve someone like that.

[jocatmust]

The marriage was not all bad all the time. We did have some great times until basically last three weeks we were together. I think our main problem is that it was rushed. We meet in May and married in November. I should have listened to myself and gave it more time. I wanted to find love so bad. I wanted a husband and to have a child. I should have realized that nothing can be rushed even how you are feeling. I should have known that when i find girls' phone numbers that he did not have in his mind that we were a forever yet. Right after we got married i find out that he called some girl off the internet when he was drunk. That brought up trust issues for me. i felt that why was he calling someone else and not tell me about it for months. i should have realized that when we talked of wedding plans that his nervousness was because he was not ready. He said I pushed him into marriage. I may have push for a date. That could have been next year some time. He wanted me to move in with him after 2 months and we got engaged fast, now why wouldn't i ask for a wedding date when I thought since he was rushing that that was clearly what he wanted? i was wrong. I don't regret marry him, I wish we had waited longer. Maybe we would both have been ready for marriage. Now, I will be separated longer than I was married. i am clearly upset about the whole thing. The bottom line, is the only type of woman he wants is one that is just like him and what he expects. i guess I am not that. Marriage is supposed to be about love and compromises. Am I wrong? I honestly believed we be forever and could work things out no matter what. I was so happy when we were married because i felt it as a forever and I would never have to go through the dating scene again. I envy him how he can turn his feelings off and not care anymore! It seems like everyday I find out more of what he has said behind my back and now I hear he is with someone else. I knew he would be. I guess if he can do all this so soon, he never loved me. I know now that marriage doesn't mean anything to him. That is what is wrong with today, nobody takes anything serious. Marriage is like a relationship, if something doesn't go just like you want, well screw it and I am out!! My value system is clearly different then his. He is raw and out there. i am more conservative. i honestly give up on finding love. i will be too scared to ever try again!!! Thanks everyone for listening to me. It has help me to talk it out. I know that my husband believes that I am a horrible person. The only person that I am is someone who feel in love and married for love and no more. I guess I was wrong for doing that. He can't see it because he thinks so harsh of me. i feel if he can think so harsh of me so soon and not want to work things out, again he clearly never loved me. I give up on the marriage. i have a few things that might work in my life that may give me hope that my life will get better. next year about this time i will be getting divorced. I am clearly unlucky in love and meant to stay alone. i am hoping that I am wrong on this, but I just don't see it changing.

[mustardjohn]

Move on. The longer you dwell on it the more time is lost. Investigating all the little he said she saids is an energy drain you don't need. Make plans. Consider the future like what am I going to do next week. Before you know it 6 months is gone by and its a new world.

As for what marrage is or should be. It seems to take a lot of forms. It is not a set thing that can be judged moment to moment against some gold standard. Sure there are some basics but there seem to be more exceptions than rules IMO. Always a work in progress.

[Mach 1]

love and marriage can be extremely difficult situations. I am also struggling with my marriage, and I have gone through complete hell for the past 7 months. I wont get into the details, but at times it was like a nightmare that wouldnt end...our circumstances made a separation 100 times more difficult than they are already. We are now living together again, but it isnt under the best of terms and thats not a good sign...It does take two...but Im still trying to do it with one and it isnt easy. My stress levels are tremendous...

I would tell you to keep trying...theres nothing else you can do..and take it one day at a time. Also, you have some bright side to look at, that you didnt have a child together and it was a short term relationship. After time and children, it becomes much more difficult.

Hang in there...things will get better someday I hope