Me and Marya Broke up! Scary Moment.

[Mercury]

Yep, its been a while since I posted a relationship problem. I've been keeping them to myself, well that and I havent had the time to post as much as I use to.

My heart is filled with a great saddness, not pitty for myself, or fear of being alone. I do not doubt or question my decision, but to see some one else in such great pain eats at my soul.

Saturday night I broke up with Marya. I'm not sure if some of you, or any of you will understand, but me and her where to much alike. Both head strong, opinionated, short tempered, and educated. The qualties we shared made it extremely difficult not to argue or debate on things.

Our diffrences were also damaging. She is very independant, and wants someone who can drop everything and can spend time with her. While I would of loved to do such, I have my responsabilities also.

My family is going through a ruff time, A really bad time, and they need me more now than ever. I wont get into that, thats a whole other story in its own, but I have to be the man of the house and help my family through these times. Therefore I couldnt just drop everything and run off for a few days.

That right there was the bases for a good many of our arguements. There are other things also, but thats not why I feel the way I do at the moment.

I had been putting off breaking up with Marya long enough, in hopes that our talks and discussions would change things. It didnt, so before things went any further (She was extremely pushy) I thought it would be best to end it.

The timing was horrible, I didnt plan on it to end like it did. I couldnt get her hopes up or lie to her, but the timing was just so wrong.

Saturday she just cooked dinner for my whole family (8 of us including her and her daughter). It was a great Fillipino dinner. She is hands down a great cook. Afterwards, we went back to her place, she had a few beers, and was relaxed. I drove us to the Hang Out, where we mingled for a little bit, then we went back to her place.

I told her Friday night we needed to talk about a few things, so she was eager to see what it was. I was as gentle and kind as I could be about it. She of course was upset. I was sad, and upset. I mean, She is a great, caring, loving person. She's smart, and pretty. But it just wasnt working out.

Well, things started to get really bad, and I stayed to calm her down. She seemed okay, so I tucked her into bed, and we talked. She got mad and told me to leave. So I went to leave.

When I got to the door, I heard her running down the hall, and then she came running towards me. I thought she might of had a knife or something so I immediatly took a defensive posture.

She then collappsed on the floor and started crying. She went into a nervous break down. Started ripping her hair out, and beating her self baddly on the legs and head. She whipped her head about, hitting everything with it.

I as gently as possible, grabbed her wrists and used my shoulder to stop her from hitting her head. She wrestled against my grasp for a while. She cried and screamed frantically. Beging me not to go. I couldnt lie to her, I just tried to calm her down. I spoke really gently to her for along time, it didnt work.

I Raised my voice and was stern (Not yelling) and she reacted to that. So I told her to get her act together, adn that she had a lot to live for. I talked for about 15 mintues. And let go of her wrists. After 30 seconds, she went back into a frenzy, I had to hold her down again.

That went on for 4 hours. I was really really scarred. I didnt know what to do. She had gouged her arms pretty good, and bruised herself pretty good. I talked to her non stop, nothing negative or harsh. She collapssed. I picked her up and guided her to her bed, and put her in it. She just cried non stop. I sat next to her for the longest time trying to comfort her. I told her she is still in my heart, and that I care for her greatly.

What she did Saturday night brought back some bad memories. I was once in the same shape. I use to beat myself physically to try to get the mental pain out of my head, to make things better. I did that for years. I know the pain, and hurt she has to be going through. What scares me is, I know I was suicidal at the time. The pain is immense, almost unbearable, well, it was for me those many years ago.

My expereince with those feelings helped me calm her down I feel. I did what I would of want someone else to of done when I was like that. I feel so horrible for hurting like such. I worry about her. I feel like such a mean, bad person.

I was as nice as can be the whole time. I pray for her safety, and for her pain and suffering. I've tried getting a hold of her to see if she's okay, but she wont answer.

Now I'm afraid to call her because I dont want to hurt her even more, or reopen wounds. This is such a mess. I didnt want to hurt anyone.