Its painfully Obvious that I need to Relearn of few things.

[Mercury]

It has become very obvious to me that I need to relearn a few things.

I think I need to take some more time for myself before going to into another relationship. I find myself expecting to have a relationship that was at the level of me and my ex-girlfriends already with Marya.

After 4 years of seeing someone, I forgot how to take things slowly. And I can already tell I've come off as somewhat pushy. So before I do any more damage to the small/begining relationship I do have with Marya, I'm going to back off the throttle.

Something else that has thrown me a curve is this is the first person I've dated that has a child, and an extreme amount of responsability. I keep forgeting to consider that she has a very busy life, and I don't, in comparison.

Then I wonder if its just me, not being ready for another relationship yet. Maybe I do need more of a cool down period. Or maybe I'm just too excited. I don't know.

I'm just rather clueless as to what to do and what to expect out of this relationship. I'm rarely clueless, and usually have an idea of what should be and needs done for me to achive my goals.

This time I'm pretty much 100% in the dark. I hate being in the dark. I'm afraid of the darkness that blocks my vision of things to come and that hinders me from seeing the right decision to make. Its really a scary thing.

I know no one is sure of what the future holds, but most people have enough hindsight that they know what general direction life is taking them, or what general direction a relationship is going. I feel like I'm driving down a road at 2 in the morning in the back woods with no lights and no moon.

I hate that. Then I think it's just me and my ignorance that causes such blindness and I could just kick myself. I feel like a little kid all over again, and not in a good way. Kinda like I just did something really bad and the principal is calling my mom kinda feeling. You know, when you were in 3rd grade, and the teacher yells at you and embarrasses you in front of everyone, then walks out to tell the principal. Thats the feeling I got. I'm in trouble and in for a rude awakening.

Mercury out.

[Coupe Devil]

Hey ol' buddy ol' pal.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I've been single for over four years. In this time I have forgotten everything I ever knew about flirtin' with a girl or trying to impress one. I totally understand what your feeling but I am on the other end of the spectrum.

When I hang out with my friends and a girl shows any kind of interest in what I say or do, I get totally flustered and confused. I get where I can't talk plain and start acting stupid and end up screwing something up. I have several friends that I would really like to date but - I have no idea if they would agree. I'm pretty well open to anything and anybody so when someone actually shows interest or flirts with me I've screwed up several times by asking a girl out when she was just being nice and had absolutely no romantic interest in me at all.

Don't worry man. You said this:
Or maybe I just get too excited. I dont know.
You have to be the cool, calm and collected guy that a girl will notice for that and not be all goofy and stuff. It's hard to control excitement when that one girl walks into the room, but you can - and have - to do it. I'm not saying show no interest, but suddenly I believe its the best way to win the hearts of millions.

Don't let yourself get tied down to one person just yet. I'm not saying to go out and start sleeping with every girl you can find (unless it works for you) but If theres grass on the field, play it man. Don't become a 'womanizer' or anything like that but JUST HAVE FUN!

Maybe this will help. Some of it may not or even pertain to your situation but I needed a little vent, too.

I would love to be dating someone right now. Four years is a long time. I get kinda 'Lonely' sometimes but it's all good. I know the right person is out there for me, somewhere, It would be a bonus if she had her own truck and boat but hey, I'll take what I can get!

There is a line in a song that says. "Your not the best, but your the best I could do".
I can't remember who sings it. I'm not expecting to date Julia Roberts (even though she is single and lonely and warm and soft... ) oh nevermind... I'm just sayin...oh heck, I dont know what I'm sayin anymore!

Just have fun, follow your heart. Good things happen to good people. You're a good person. A little twisted sometimes but hey, who isn't? The right person will come along. If Marya isn't that someone...no biggie. 'She'll' turn up sooner or later.

Brad

Remember: Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin.

[Mr 5 0]

Mercury:

My take on your situation is this: Your feelings of inadequacy are probably a good indicator that you're a bit over your head with this woman and need to take it very slow here.

We all need to sort ourselves out after a long-term relationship ends as it's always a big adjustment , sometimes with lots of negative feelings attached.

I think that your ability to be introspective is a big plus that will help you get through this emotionally uncharted time in your life.

I suggest that you continue to look at your situation with a few basic questions to answer:

1. How do you want this relationship (with Marya) to end? Marriage? No? Why not?

2. If not marriage, what?

As you stated, you may really need more time to 'cool down' and refocus. It's natural and normal to get excited at the prospect of a new relationship with an interesting woman like Marya, but what do you really expect to happen and where do you want it to go? In other words, the chase is exciting but what happens when you 'catch' her?

Until you can answer those serious questions, you may just want to keep the relationship on a friendly level without any big expectations, much less intimacy. This isn't high school. Your dealing with a grown woman with real responsibilities; a child and a business to run. She may not be ready for a 'serious' relationship either. You two need to talk these things out.

If you're not emotionally prepared to take on these adult responsibilities with her and make her and her child the center of your life, you may need more time and very possibly a different kind of girlfriend; one that doesn't have the serious responsibilities Marya carries and one that just wants to date casually with no expectations of marriage or commitment for awhile.

I commend you for your mature and responsible attitude in this situation. Consider the various possibilities here and continue to do some introspection but don't analyze it to death, either. Just take things slow, talk to her, spend as much time as possible and don't let physical attraction or fear of the unknown blind you or scare you away.
You'll do fine.

Of course, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[Coupe Devil]

Merc:

Not to take away from the seriousness of your topic but...Mr 5.0 - is there anything you don't know?

I've really come to rely on your suggestions. As you haven't made any to my threads I can think of much of what you say has helped me out in situations I get myself into.

I used to be the kid that just made fun of (older) people j/k, but you 'older' guys really know whats goin on. Thanks for helping us young bucks out.
I appreciate it.

Thanks again,

Brad

[DRASTiK]

Merc,
I have a two different things to say.

First: Two and a half years ago, I was single without a care in the world. Now, I've been married a little over a year with three step children and my first child on the way. I'm in my low twenties to top it all off. I never thought I'd be where I am now, but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I love my family and the kids are great. Yes, it kinda ended my night life, and it's a big responsibility but it's well worth it for me.
You may - or may not - feel differently.

Second: When it comes to being in the dark and feeling uneasy about not knowing what to expect. I say: why worry about it? I suggest you try and look at it with excitement, not knowing what's gonna happen in the near future. Sometimes the best things in life are very unexpected.

Good Luck man,

Dave

[tireburner163]

Merc, in my opinion (not that it's right) I think you not only need to back off the throttle, you need to get in a Civic.

She is starting at business (my Dad did this: VERY stressful) and she has a small child. Both are big responsibilities. I highly doubt she wants someone in her life going "Look at me, look at me!".(no offense intended, just a example thats on the extreme side). Just take it slow and see how things work out. They may not, if not, so be it.

Have you thought about talking to her about this? It may or may not be a good idea (you'll have to be the judge of that). You seem to fear that your going to die alone. I HIGHLY doubt that! You are a young guy, you have plenty of time left. My grandfather told me once: "If you look for love you will never find it, but if you enjoy the time you have here on earth, love will find you."

Marya may be the one for you - maybe not. You can't waste time worrying about it. Just have fun and enjoy life.

Josh, aka the tireburner

Mr 5 0: May I say you are a very smart and intelligent man; your advise was so good, and as one of the 'older' group,
I agree with you completely.

To all you younger guys: Listen and learn from 5 0.
He knows what he's talking about and gives you guys the best advice I have heard from a man in a long time (except from crazyhorse of course).

I wish you all the best in your life of growing up and I don't mean that in any bad way. Life can be hard at times but it also helps us to learn and grow.

Good luck to all of you.

Odie

[Fox Body]

Originally posted by tireburner163
..."If you look for love you will never find it, but if you enjoy the time you have here on earth, love will find you."...

Hg, there really isn't much I can add to the wonderful advice already given in this thread. But I just want to say that I'm glad you are reevaluating your position or just maybe slowing down a little and trying to take it easy. I very much agree with what tireburner quoted. You are sort of being "tried in the fire" and if you allow, it will make you a better person. Now is the time of learning and when you get through this specific life experience, you will be able to give adivice to others who will go through very similar experiences so when that time comes, make sure you don't deny them your wisdom.

[Mercury]

Thank you everyone for advice and input. I began to realize that I was over my head the night I went over her apartment.

I came to the conclusion that I either needed to find another women more like the ones I've dated in the past, or make a serouis effort to understand and work with this women, and have a more meaningfull and complete relationship.

I've never taken the easy way in anything I do.

Today was when I realized what you all ment when you told me to slow down in the prevoius thread. Not neccassarily slow down the growth of feelings towards the women, but to slow down my approach. In a way, to demand less attention of this person. TireBurner, I think you hit the nail on the head with the "Look at me. Look at me!" statement.

MR 5.0

You are right as usual, and of course, as usual posted your reply in such a great way.

I ask myself those questions everytime there is a prospect. I would not see anyone if I could not see myself marrying them. To me, there is no point in a relationship if it can not grow, and reach higher levels. I would not waist my time or effort on any other relationship.

As for bieng intimate, There is nothing physcially wrong with me, but I have other problems that keep me from seeking intimate relationships. Put it this way, I dont like ANYONE touching me. NO ONE...I cant even hug my parents, or my family with out cringing. A pat on the back from a Co-WOrker/friend/aquantance/family even sends chills down my spine.

I can handle it only if I trust the person to an extent for which there is no words to describe, and usually by that point, I have already told them why I am the way I am. So intimacy is far from being a priority, and far from important at this time. One day that bridge will be crossed, but I have much more important things to think of.

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. They have helped me understand things, and see things alot clearer.

[tireburner163]

Well Merc, not to sound like a *** or anything(I'm sorry if I do). To be brutaly honest, none of your realationships in the past have worked out. Marya maybe be just what your looking for, something different that you've never tried before. Maybe she will be the one you've always been looking for. Maybe not, who knows. I can't tell you, no one can.

Here's something my grandpa(a very wise man, in my opinion) once told me, "Son, women are all trouble. There's two things you can do about it, quit lovin em or love em a whole lot more. Which or course gets ya in more trouble. It's murder. But I wouldn't trade the life I've have with you Grandma for anything in the world"

Josh, aka the tireburner

Originally posted by tireburner163
My grandfather told me once, "If you look for love you will never find it, but if you enjoy the time you have here on earth, love will find you." Marya may be the one for you, maybe not. You can't waste time worring about it. Just have fun and enjoy life.

I just think you need to find yourself bro, Good Luck..

[Fox Body]

tireburner, I'm starting to like your grandpa. He seems like a real cool guy.

[Mercury]

Rbatson.

I'm not thinking of marrying anyone. You might of taken what I said out of context. I wont date someone who I couldnt picture my self bieng married to. Not sure if the clarifies things.

Tireburner.

If I remember correctly, you mentioned your grandfather passed away, right? He sounds like a very wise and good hearted man. It would of been an honor to meet him.

My Grandpa and I are real close. Were like best friends. I talk to him on the phone alot. I can talk to him for hours. He sounds alot like your grandfather.

[Mustangbelle306]

its nice to see all the usual great advice being given here but I must say Mercury, all the conclusions you've drawn about yourself are mostly characteristics that your fellow Mustangworkers have pointed out countless times in your usually romantically oriented posts, and mistakes you seem to keep repeating .

What I'm trying to say is that you should realize that others may see things about yourself that you don't, especially those people that have your best interests at heart

[Mercury]

Originally posted by Mustangbelle306
its nice to see all the usual great advice being given here but I must say Mercury, all the conclusions you've drawn about yourself are mostly characteristics that your fellow Mustangworkers have pointed out countless times in your usually romantically oriented posts, and mistakes you seem to keep repeating .

Human kind is a creature of habit. As for mistakes bieng made repeatedly, which ones? Enlighten me.

Do you mean in my prior relationship? I may have made the same mistake then buy taking the girl back everytime, but Love is no Mistake.

I didnt mean to infer that the relationship is in trouble so much as I feel like I stepped in over my head. But I can swim.. I did not forsee all the responseability she has, and the little time.

What I was, I guess, Indirectly reffering to is my expectations. I can not expect me and Marya to be as close so quickly. I have been spoiled by a few a long term relationship (Thats all I really have) and the closeness that is associated with it. I have to start all over again. Am I making sense?

[Mach 1]

Man, you havent been "spoiled by a few long term relationships"...you have "enjoyed long term relationships".

see the difference? Your soundling lonely and dependant. woman dont want that. learn to make yourself happy first. dont count on anybody else to make you happy, including a woman.


Until then, RELAX, nobody has all the answers (with the possible exception of Mr 5.0) and we all learn as we go along, at our own pace. Life can be hard, but in the end, you will be stronger for it.

[tireburner163]

Originally posted by Mercury
If I remember correctly, you mentioned your grandfather passed away, right? He sounds like a very wise and good hearted man. It would of been an honor to meet him.

Yes, he was and always will be a very special part of my life. He always had some advice to give in any situation. I just think he had been around for so darn long he knew just about everything.

[Mustangbelle306]

Originally posted by Mercury


Human kind is a creature of habit. As for mistakes bieng made repeatedly, which ones? Enlighten me.

Do you mean in my prior relationship? I may have made the same mistake then buy taking the girl back everytime, but Love is no Mistake.

I didn't really read all those long posts about the ex, I'm referring to all the ones concerning your General Motors gal. Seemed like the overall theme in most people's reply was that you were on the verge of smothering the girl. This is what I mean by repeating mistakes, except this time you caught your own mistake

Personally, I loooooooove to be smothered, but only by someone I've been with for a LONG time, and have henceforth agreed on the commencing of the smotherage So you're right, in the fact that you realized that you're rushing things, like yiou did the first time when you thought she stood you up.

On the matter of love isn't a mistake, I didn't pay enough attention back then to really be able to make a comment, but taking someone back over and over when it obviously ISN'T working isn't love, at least in my book. That means 2 people that are not compatiable, and cannot meet enough in the middle to amend and save their relationship. My parents have been married 30 years, and been through it all...now THAT's love

I don't doubt that you cared very strongly for your ex, but kicking a dead horse and being miserable enough to post about it all the time doesn't make it a loving relationship, and seems to me you are a much happier person now

Either way, appears that you are finally learning about yourself which is SO great, because it took me years to do that too. I wasted alllll my teen years romantically unhappy but I finally figured out what I was doing wrong, and now I've got my head in the clouds 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rocket 99GT]

DUDE... I am going to do the dirty work in this forum.
First of all there are a bunch of guys in this forum that are tired of seeing your posts about girl problems or your stories about the place where you work.
Look.... part of becoming a man is to be able to take "hits" without a referee.
I know this is making you upset and most likely you will come back crying (like you always do) with a replay but for heaven sake please GROW UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.

[Mustangbelle306]

Originally posted by Rocket 99GT
DUDE... I am going to do the dirty work in this forum.
First of all there are a bunch of guys in this forum that are tired of seeing your posts about girl problems or your stories about the place where you work.
Look.... part of becoming a man is to be able to take "hits" without a referee.
I know this is making you upset and most likely you will come back crying (like you always do) with a replay but for heaven sake please GROW UP AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.

Er...I'm going to have to agree with this. Its kind of what I was sugarcoating in my previous posts. The whining...has...gotta stop man, for real....