Joke of the Day

[PKRWUD]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Take care,
~Chris

[The Deuce]

LMAO, that is some funny Shite. I hope that guys is ambedexterous.

[Shelby428cj]

LMFAO haahaa that one is great I am printing it out to hang up in my shop this week!!

[bald guy 90gt]

i LMFAO WHEN I READ THIS JOKE

[devilman]

what do you call a two legged dog with metal balls? Sparky


you might be a racer...

You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.

You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars.

You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing.

When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.

You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.

You bought a race car before buying a house.

You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.

You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!


The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):
1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew cab dually, a 28' enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Deaf neighbors.
6) Some sort of house with a working toilet & shower on the property - or - hookups for the motor home.


You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

You have enough spare parts to build another car.

More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

You think the last line of the Star Spangled banner is: "Racers start your engines!"

People know you by your class, car number, and car color.

You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.

Your family brings the couch into the garage to spend time with you.

A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."

You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work.

You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better.

You've tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her station wagon.

You save broken car parts as "momentous".

You've found your lawnmower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't particularly care for alcohol).

The local police and state highway patrol have a picture of your car taped to their dashboard.

Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have time slips.

You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.

After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a race there?"

You know at least three 1-800 numbers to aftermarket parts houses by heart.

You are on a first-name basis with owners of every local speed shop.

You want to take apart and rebuild things, even though they are not broken.

You have the monetary equivalent of a lunar rocket invested in it, but your car still won't cut a good light or run the number.

You own a vehicle that has at least 500 horsepower more than when it came out of Detroit.

You look for hi-po cars in the movies and try to guess what engine size, tire size, and whether or not it has nitrous in it.

You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes.

Every stoplight becomes a practice tree to test your ability to tree the guy in the other lane's eyes out.

You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it.

You understand racing is a way of life, not just a means of transportation.

YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.
*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.
*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.
*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate
*Your race car has never been on a trailer.
*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.
*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!
*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.
*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.
*Your wife's car runs 12s.
*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.
*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.
*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.
*You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down.
*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."
*18 wheelers yield to you.
*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.
*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.
*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.
*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.
*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.
*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.
*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
*You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week.
*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.
*Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.
*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.
*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IF ...

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.
9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.
15. You arrive somewhere before you left.
16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.
18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
22. You need parachute braking.
23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.
24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)
26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.
27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!
28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)
29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)
30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner.
32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust.
33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal.
34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments.
35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown.
36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT.
37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart.
38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE.
39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east.
40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels.
41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.
44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road.
45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile."

[devilman]

What Your Car Says About You
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX - I am impotent

AMC - Ain't My Car

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet Cavalier - Absolute LEGEND!

Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate

Ford Explorer - I will not be caught dead in a mini van

Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55 mph and change lanes when I pull
up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.

Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB - I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife


You Might be a Redneck if...

you go to a Stockcar Race and don't need a program.
less than half the cars you own run.
you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
you have to recrank your car at every intersection.
you've ever ridden all the way to Florida with your bare feet out of the car window.
you view duct tape as a long term investment.
you've ever hit a bump on the highway and lost half your worldly possessions.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
hitchhikers won't get into the car with you.
the front license plate on your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
you buy a color-coordinated rope to down your car hood (bonnet).
you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
you have grease under your toenails.
after removing the empty beer cans from your car and you get 15 more miles per gallon.
after love making you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

If one or more of these is true, unfortunately, you are driving a Triumph
You look in your rear-view mirror to see two people with their hands on your bumper.
You constantly receive sympathy cards from the Department of Transportation.
When you are walking across the parking lot, you see a priest performing last rights on your car.
While stopped at traffic lights, other motorists offer to help push to get you started again.
You have preferred customer status at Pep Boys Auto Parts.
You have to stop along side the road at least once a day to pick up parts that have fallen off.
You leave your keys in the ignition and a $20 bill on the dash for gas money in hopes that someone will steal your car.
When you drive though town, people stop what they are doing and just start laughing.
In place of a spare tire, you find a pair of running shoes.

[PKRWUD]

Originally posted by devilman
YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ...

*Race prepping your car means turning off the ac.
*You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder.
*You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants.
*You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate
*Your race car has never been on a trailer.
*You think anything less than a 455 is a small block.
*You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them!
*You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits.
*You plan road trips from gas station to gas station.
*Your wife's car runs 12s.
*You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it.
*You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material.
*The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck.
*You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down.
*You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover."
*18 wheelers yield to you.
*You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s.
*You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station.
*Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie.
*You think every race car should have ac and power windows.
*You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas.
*You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s.
*The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
*You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week.
*You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT.
*Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car.
*The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad.
*You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won.

These happen to be very true.



Take care,
~Chris