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Mr 5 0 · 05-15-2002, 01:53 PM

fiveohpatrol:

Some helpful comments precede this post and I won't bother to repeat them but I will add a few of my own.

The way you describe your feelings about the girl and your relationship tell me that you clearly have a sense that your relationship was/is moving toward a lifetime commitment that you're simply not ready to make before you're 21, which is perfectly reasonable.

I think breaking off with her completely may have been overkill, based on a sense of urgency on your part to 'get out of this' before it went too far and she was really hurt. That's also understandable, even commendable if your feelings are as you say and the 'spark' has flickered a bit.

Still, from what you wrote, it sounds like a simple fear of commitment that women always complain about but that, in your case, seems reasonable.

I bet you're not falling 'out of love' with her but just aren't ready for marriage and everything that entails, but once it came up and you agreed marriage was a great idea, you felt anything less than continued agreement would make you look like a jerk and like you were just 'using' her by indicating you wanted to get married when you really didn't.

Maybe, after time, you saw negative things about her that, in your early excitment with her you overlooked but now seem to be a problem. Rather than blame her, you blame yourself. Think 'Seinfeld' and the famous George Costanza debate about the line: 'It's not you, it's me'. At one point, George screams to Jerry; "I INVENTED 'It's not you, it's me!" Actually, it was her.

Look, I'm just some guy on an internet messageboard and don't presume to know more than anyone else here but I would advise you to take this time to rethink where you are and what you want from this girl and for the two of you.

If you just don't feel ready for marriage, tell her so. That doesn't automatically mean that you don't love her. Those are two distinct, separate issues and both of you have to realize that before you can go forward.

You guys are young and have some time. Use it to grow and mature and move toward marriage at your own pace - or away from it if that's what it turns out to be. Find out.

Don't think that love automatically means marriage. No, I do not advocate 'playing house' either, but simply staying connected and not assuming that if you love each other you both should automatically have the identical desire to be married.

It doesn't always work that way. If she loves you, she'll be willing to wait awhile and not push marriage as a condition of the relationship continuing, assuming she trusts you not to use her and then dump her.

These are just random observations based on your post. I may be all wrong here due to a lack of information but I hope this and other replies to your honest and compelling post will be of some help to you in dealing with this tough situation in your life.

Remember, even if we get it wrong or are of no help at all; we mean well and wish you the best. Many of us have been where you are and we do understand, even though we can't fix it or make any decisions for you.

05-15-2002, 01:53 PM	#4
Mr 5 0 Conservative Individualist Join Date: May 1997 Location: Wherever I need to be Posts: 7,487	Aftermath fiveohpatrol: Some helpful comments precede this post and I won't bother to repeat them but I will add a few of my own. The way you describe your feelings about the girl and your relationship tell me that you clearly have a sense that your relationship was/is moving toward a lifetime commitment that you're simply not ready to make before you're 21, which is perfectly reasonable. I think breaking off with her completely may have been overkill, based on a sense of urgency on your part to 'get out of this' before it went too far and she was really hurt. That's also understandable, even commendable if your feelings are as you say and the 'spark' has flickered a bit. Still, from what you wrote, it sounds like a simple fear of commitment that women always complain about but that, in your case, seems reasonable. I bet you're not falling 'out of love' with her but just aren't ready for marriage and everything that entails, but once it came up and you agreed marriage was a great idea, you felt anything less than continued agreement would make you look like a jerk and like you were just 'using' her by indicating you wanted to get married when you really didn't. Maybe, after time, you saw negative things about her that, in your early excitment with her you overlooked but now seem to be a problem. Rather than blame her, you blame yourself. Think 'Seinfeld' and the famous George Costanza debate about the line: 'It's not you, it's me'. At one point, George screams to Jerry; "I INVENTED 'It's not you, it's me!" Actually, it was her. Look, I'm just some guy on an internet messageboard and don't presume to know more than anyone else here but I would advise you to take this time to rethink where you are and what you want from this girl and for the two of you. If you just don't feel ready for marriage, tell her so. That doesn't automatically mean that you don't love her. Those are two distinct, separate issues and both of you have to realize that before you can go forward. You guys are young and have some time. Use it to grow and mature and move toward marriage at your own pace - or away from it if that's what it turns out to be. Find out. Don't think that love automatically means marriage. No, I do not advocate 'playing house' either, but simply staying connected and not assuming that if you love each other you both should automatically have the identical desire to be married. It doesn't always work that way. If she loves you, she'll be willing to wait awhile and not push marriage as a condition of the relationship continuing, assuming she trusts you not to use her and then dump her. These are just random observations based on your post. I may be all wrong here due to a lack of information but I hope this and other replies to your honest and compelling post will be of some help to you in dealing with this tough situation in your life. Remember, even if we get it wrong or are of no help at all; we mean well and wish you the best. Many of us have been where you are and we do understand, even though we can't fix it or make any decisions for you.