Before I marry

[Unit 5302]

I think it's kinda like police officers. One bad officer makes a bad impression on all police officers. Just a very few bad experiences can lead to the formulation of stereotypes. Obviously much more so with marriages that go bad. There is a lot more hurt involve in a relationship than their is with a cop making your day miserable.

Jim (Mr 5 0), I would agree that marriage should be the way you want it to be. I also believe that people are not as "good" as they used to be. The respect that I was taught for other people and their property is blatently missing from our society so is it realistic to expect that younger members or their generations bring such honerable intentions to marriage concept alone?

Stang_Crazy it's noble to give less credence to material wealth in this day and age; however, money has become increasingly important to ensure that people have the freedom to live their lives in happiness. It seems as though just about everything costs money these days, and I've seen a number of people that have suffered greatly at the hands of greedy ex-spouses. We're talking about people literally being homeless because they can't afford the child support/alimony in concert with food and shelter. By homeless I mean living out of trailers or vans, not walking the street with a shopping cart.

I believe your lack of concern regarding financial well-being allows for an increased risk that you or somebody else would be taken advantage of. Just like identity left. It's a booming business because it's so profitable and easy. Many people do not take necessary measures to protect themselves, which makes it more lucrative for people that specialize in that heinous crime to continue their illegal activities. If they were not able to make so much money for such little effort, they would not choose to exploit people in that manner.

By the way, in my jackstands analogy, I'm commenting on your personal safety. Who cares if the car falls? It's not going to do too much damage to the vehicle. Now, as for the human underneath it.... that's a different story.

[Dark_5.0]

Anyone not worried about material possesions when entering into marriage is a fool. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.

[RBatson]

I'm glad someone else said something opposing to what I said. There needs to be two contrasting views shown but.. I've had a year of seperation to think about this subject and I've thought about it alot. I came to the conclusion that love is not a contract, it doesn't want. There is nothing that marriage can add to love that money can't buy... and money isn't love. Marriage is indeed a contract, go talk with a divorce lawyer and you will see what I mean.

Originally Posted by Mr 5 0

Unrealistic expectations going into marriage is a large part of the divorce problem, along with too-easy divorce laws and an attitude of 'I'll try this and see if it works', often secretly thought while pledging your love to another 'until death do you part', which dooms the chances of a successful marriage right from the beginning.

I wish you well, Rick but I do not accept your take on 'what marriage is', however, as you are divorced and I'm happily married, I think my take may be a tad more realistic.

I agree with you about the unrealistic expectations and the general acceptance of divorce today playing a major role. Everyone is waiting for the perfect person but no one seems to realize there is no perfect person. The opportunist don't help the matter any.

I never expected I'd ever get divorced but it became painfully obvious it was something I would be unable to avoid after the marriage. That fact that you are happily married(congrats!) and I am recently divorced doesn't make your view any more realistic than mine, in fact I feel its just the opposite. I feel my view of 'marriage today' is more realistic. Being married doesn't make you love each other any more or less.

I wish you the best too, Jim.

[Stang_Crazy]

This is the best thread I've seen in a while! Good opinions and views!

[jocatmust]

So I guess my question for every one is if you and your x-spouse still love each other, can things be fix and start over knowing the mistakes that both have made? I guess acting more intelligent this time then getting so caught in the love feeling.

[RBatson]

Stranger things have happened.

[Topless In Texas]

Im still mad about the whole thing, and decided to delete this post. I should not say dont marry. Prenups can work, I guess, depending on where you live. I can understand why someone would want one, if they have alot to lose. I can completely understand, after seeing what I had seen.
I would say to anyone, Do what you feel is right. I just saw a whole side of dealing first hand with a divorce that was very nasty, and got caught in the middle of it all.
Although I would be hurt if asked to sign one, I would do it. But, like stated in some other posts. Alot of prenups are not worth the paper they are printed on. And, its a shame that when a divorce turns that nasty and ugly, the permanent scars that are left on the one who was the 'target' to get screwed. They never look at marriage the same again.
TNT

[jocatmust]

I am truly sorry for you. It sounds like the guy was under a lot of stress and probably acting some ways that he normally would not have under normal circumstances. I am sorry that you had to be sorta, "the punching bag". I am sure after things settle down, he will look back with regret. I think everyone after a certain time can look back and see the mistakes they made. That is growth and good for you so you don't make the same mistakes twice. You said in the end you realized where you or who you belong with and that is the most important thing. I truly believe everything happens for a reason. You might not see it at first, but you will eventually see it. So please, for your sake let the bitterness go so you don't make the person you are with pay for the mistakes of the last guy you were with. Good luck and some of these post have been pretty good.

[Mr 5 0]

Originally Posted by RBatson

That fact that you are happily married(congrats!) and I am recently divorced doesn't make your view any more realistic than mine, in fact I feel its just the opposite. I feel my view of 'marriage today' is more realistic. Being married doesn't make you love each other any more or less.

Rick, it's obvious that two people don't have to be married to 'be in love' and that marriage does not automatically make your love any more or less real. I never said it did. However, the fact of being married and staying married because you both want to be together is a pretty good indication of a mutual love and respect for each other that the absence of that formal committment (of legal marriage) lacks, in my opinion. Live-in's and other arrangements outside of marriage rarely last more than a few years, as there is no real committment and - as singer/songwriter Paul Simon once wrote (and sang): There are (at least) '50 Ways To Leave Your Lover'.

While today's newlyweds may be less inclined to enter into marriage as a lifelong, 'Till death do us part' committment and pre-nups are common, the fact remains (and is often unnoticed) that even with a near-50% chance of a married couple divorcing, millions of married couples DO remain married for life - to one partner, even in a society that has obviously de-valued marriage as the accepted social norm. I think it would be a safe assumption to conclude that the majority of those married 'lifers' are happy in their marriages, understanding that the concept of 'happy' is always relative.

While we may be on opposite sides in terms of our marriage experiences, I think that simply helps any readers of this thread see a diverse set of views. That we each bring a certain level of bias to the discussion is no crime, as those individual biases are transparent and held without rancor. I happen to see marriage in a more positive light because I am happily married and know others who are equally successful in their marriages. You have had a negative experience with marriage and see it with a more jundiced eye, as it were. I think we both have points to be made and I am more than willing to let readers decide on where the truth lies, although, when discussing something as personal as marriage, it is rather difficult to be truly objective, as we both have proved here.

[Unit 5302]

Originally Posted by Mr 5 0

...that even with a near-50% chance of a married couple divorcing, millions of married couples DO remain married for life - to one partner...

Actually, the number of people that stayed married to each other is greater than the 50% because people who get one divorce are statistically more likely to divorce again. Thus the divorce rate may be 50%, but the number of people getting divorces is significantly lower.

I hope that actually brightens your day a little, as it does lend support the marriage concept, and the fact that more people stay together than what might initially be theorized based on the simplest divorce statistics.

[btr]

No prenup here. Got married right out of college with 2 cars, a truck and a dime in my pocket. I could see a prenup if you have a lot of money before the marriage and the significant other had nothing.