Yankee's at a Texas Chili Cookoff.

[crewzin]

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Chris, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili would'nt be all that hot, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 : Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster CHili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CHRIS: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili#2 Arthurs Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CHRIS: Keep this out of reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili#3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CHRIS: Call the EPA , Ive located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone know the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting ****faced from all the beer.

Chili#4: Bubb's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no temperature. Dissappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CHRIS: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, it is possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste im eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili#5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CHRIS: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me need help. The contestant seemed offended when I told that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili#6: Vera's Very Vegatarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of temp and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CHRIS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that thing, Sally, she must be kinkier than i thought. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili#7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
CHRIS: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would'nt feel a damm thing. Ive lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damm shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painfull. Screw it, im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it up through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili#8: Helen's Mount Saint CHili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but ****y enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed our, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes gonna make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to the really hot chili?

Though you guys would enjoy this story from Tejas! Yeehaawww