After 4.5years she left me with no notice...

[Skyman]

The most painful thing in my whole life I've been dealing with over the past few days. This is the only board I feel close enough to even post it on. My girlfeind of 4.5 years left me. We grew up together, we got together at 17/18, Were now 21/22 and thsi guy at her work, I guess has been working everyday at seducing her. Telling her shes the most beautiful things hes ever seen, flaunting his monye, telling her everything she wants to hear in ever capacity. This all came down on me in one night. And when I found out she was with him I called her. ANd I demanded to talk to him. I got him on the phone and He told me everythign I watnd to hear. He promised me in everyway he had no intention in the world of going after my g/f, or hurtin gour relationship, he identified with me by saying hes been through something like that happening where his best friend stole his girl and he would never in a million years want to put someone else through that. He spew this horrible lies in my ear for 18min untill I felt almost bad that I yelled at him, and I felt satisfied w/ the situation. The truth was though they werent with a group of people from worik like he said, and he tried to kisss her and took her out to some club all night till 3am tryin to push liquor down her all night. This was last thursday. We broke up the next mornign that night at about 5 am. I didnt sleep or eat for a few days and am barely able to cope with things. She says it comes down to she just wants to have fun again, he makes her feel so good about her self and she would come home to me and I woudl say I didnt like her new shoes. Well im about being honest, not about telling someone everythign they want to hear all the time. Just like week she was talking to me about gettin married and stuff and thats somethin shed been pushing for for a while, and that I said I wanted with her but not till we were a little older. Then its this. I was so blind sided by it all its amazing. My whole world was destoryed, we;ve been living together for a year and half and have gone through so much. Me going 350 miles away for a job, her going 250 miles away for school. I try not to blame her, and I am not mad at her, as we went through something similar to this before, but me being in her position, that I regret, but was somethign that I guess had to happen. Now this guy makes me so mad, so furiosu that he could out right like endless like that to my face, and I know he has no intentions but to get what he wants from her and lie to her endlessly untill he gets that and then probalby leave her and hurt her a lot. And it eats me up inside that I can't help her from being hurt by that. I want in everyway to confront him, but everyone says not to, and I Know I shouldnt, because if I stopped their relationship in some way shed hold it against me forever. I had a clear cut plan that I wanted to confront him at work and take him into an alley, and force him to tell me the truth. Im smart enough not to do anything that would send me to jail or something, but I wanted to scare the shit out of him, I wanted to throw a cup of gas on him and hold a lighter and warn him if he wouldnt call her right there and tell her his true intentions with her I would burn him alive. which I never woudl really do though. What a disregard this sob has for trunign my life inside out, destorying what I thought was a rock solid foundation of arelationship. So much more to say, Im going to leave it at that. for now....

-Skyler

[carlos.elliott]

Well I can say I understand where you are coming from as it has happened to me about 6 years ago. The good news is there are more out there and while it might not seam like it you will someday think it was for the good when you find the right one. You are still young so you have plenty of time to get a new one. Just don't let her see you are hurting. Talking about it does help but time is the only real cure for this kinda pain. And some good old mustang medicine

[84LX89GT]

I'm sorry to hear your misfortune, Skyler. I've had a couple of close friends with almost the identical same thing happen, although they never talked to the guy. The girlfriend would seriously push getting married, then when told "not right now" they cheated on my friends, one of the girls said it was a punishment for not wanting to get married. Both of the girls got dumped. I personally would rather find out sooner than later about a girl that will cheat when not happy than to get married and find out they will go behind your back....not that it makes it any less painful.
I sympathize with you Skyler, i hope things go better for you and you find the right girl. I think you were right in being honest and sticking to what you want at this point in time.

[Rev]

Maybe she's just trying to get your attention Sky. After a guy says "not right now", sometimes a lady will say "yes right now" or else I'm gonna look around some. That may be what's happening to you now.

It may just come down to how bad do you want her? Only you can decide that. I wouldn't focus to much on the other guy. This is really between you and her IMHO.

Rev

[Mr 5 0]

Skyler:

I'm so sorry to read this sad news. You certainly have our sympathy and in most cases, our empathy, too. Many of us have been in a similar situation at one time or another and know a bit about how you feel.

I'll offer this: you both got together at a very young age (yes, 17/18 is young) and have had four-plus years together and now have lots of 'history' together. Unfortunately, after over four years together she is 'used' to you and knows all your flaws and faults as well as your many good points, I'm sure. Neither one of you are 'mysterious' or 'special' to the other anymore, just what you are, which I assume is good people and that you are still attracted to one another or you would have parted years ago. That said, at 21, a girl is grown-up and she has a perfect right to wonder where her relationship is going. She wants the security of marriage and like most of us guys, you're not quite ready for that at age 22. I get that - but she probably doesn't. So, she starts thinking that since you're not on her wavelength and - in HER opinion - you don't 'care enough' about her to want to marry her and start a family, she starts looking at you differently, and not in a good way.

Enter the office stud. He sees an attractive and vulnerable young woman, discontented with her long-term boyfriend and ready to be flattered and seen as 'special' again. He makes his moves and she responds because this is what she needs right now. The specifics are just drama. The point is that she again realizes that she is attractive and desirable to other men - and her ego soars - while you appear to be unsupportative, critical and refuse to commit to her for life. No wonder she decides 'the grass is greener'. This often happens to men after five or ten years of marriage, too. Some office flirt flatters them and next thing you know they're either having an affair or going through the Yellow Pages looking for divorce attorneys.

I don't have specific advice for you except that she may just have to go through this new awakening (and new boyfriend) to appreciate you, and that may not even happen. It depends on how well or poorly the 'new' guy treats her. If he uses her and dumps her and you're still there to take her back, that may do it for good and she'll never leave you again. Unfortunately, even if she gets hurt, she may decide that you're just not marriage material and decide to keep moving on. Not what you want to hear, I know, but I've seen it happen to friends. Women want to be wanted and they want to be married, as a rule (there are always exceptions). They need TLC and that means flattery and made to feel 'special'. A bit late for all that now but if you manage to get her back, you will have to make an honest decision on marriage (yes or no, not a five year stall) and decide if this is the woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with. You're young and we all change from our teens to our early twenties and in ten years, you'll be a quite different guy, I can assure you. This may not be the woman you want to marry and that is something you'll need to look at, honestly, once you get past your misery and sadness at her decision to end a long relationship.

If you never get back together it may be for the best. Teenage lovers don't always make the best marriage partners. Things change - for both of you. If you really think she's the only one in the world for you, go win her back. Do what it takes - but don't lie or try to be someone you're not to do it. She'll know you're lying or faking if you do and resent it, big-time. Just examine your heart and your feelings honestly and you'll know what to do. Forget about 'confronting' the new guy. That's a waste of time and could destroy any chance you have of reconcilation with your erstwhile girlfriend as well as land you in legal trouble. Just threatening the guy is a crime, even if you never touch him.

Like everyone here, I feel bad for your loss and not wish you the best but really hope it works out for you both, whatever is ultimately decided between you and your girlfriend.

[jocatmust]

First, let me say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. I, myself, are going through not being with my loved one also. Not to get too much into it, I was married and after three months it fell apart. i am not sure exactly why it happen. I have took the blame for my part, but he blames everything on me. As I put it, it takes two to have a relationship and two for it to fall apart. I understand that it is hard when the person you love seems to not want to have anything to do with you. What happen on your part or hers, you are doing the right thing by not bothering her and let her figure things out for herself. If it is God's will for you to be together, you will. You can't make someone want to be with you. One advise for you, is for you to realize your part, b/c if she does come back, for things to be better, you must realize your part so it does not happen again.

Just like week she was talking to me about gettin married and stuff and thats somethin shed been pushing for for a while, and that I said I wanted with her but not till we were a little older. Then its this.
Not to put you down, but clearly you two have a different opinion of relationship and marriage. You don't live with someone forever. If you wanted to wait until you were older to marry, then you should have never lived together. Come on, living together is basically a trail run for marriage. This is very misleading.
Im smart enough not to do anything that would send me to jail or something, but I wanted to scare the shit out of him, I wanted to throw a cup of gas on him and hold a lighter and warn him if he wouldnt call her right there and tell her his true intentions with her I would burn him alive. which I never woudl really do though. What a disregard this sob has for trunign my life inside out, destorying what I thought was a rock solid foundation of arelationship. So much more to say, Im going to leave it at that. for now....
I feel in my marriage that lies were told on me that led my husband to believe things about me that were not true. You can't feel bitter, b/c then they win and you lose. You must move on the best you can. Life will work for you which ever way it is suppose to. I know it is hard and in time it will be easier. I have been dealing with my h--- for three months now. All I see is a divorce in sight for me. Basically, I waited 30+ years to marry, just to go through a divorce. At least, you are not facing that. Be thankful. I promise you things will get better if you believe it. Good luck and I wish you the best!!

-Skyler [/B][/QUOTE]

[jocatmust]

For
Mr. 5.0
They need TLC and that means flattery and made to feel 'special'. A bit late for all that now but if you manage to get her back, you will have to make an honest decision on marriage (yes or no, not a five year stall) and decide if this is the woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with. You're young and we all change from our teens to our early twenties and in ten years, you'll be a quite different guy, I can assure you. This may not be the woman you want to marry and that is something you'll need to look at, honestly, once you get past your misery and sadness at her decision to end a long relationship.
You have great insight and I wish my husband could read this b/c some of this is how I was feeling. Now, my husband is on the greener grass. The greener grass is another woman and doing what he wants when he wants. I needed TLC when I was sick and depressed. I never cheated on my husband, nor would I had. I am one of those faithful woman who stick by her man no matter what. I guess I picked a man who wanted everything to be perfect. The minute trouble began or he heard negative things, he was gone. I feel in my case that my husband made a mistake about marriage and was looking for anything to bolt. He got his answer and is gone. Even on our wedding day, he mention his X four hours after we were married. I should have known right then, but we were already married and I believe in marriage. I feel he married me to pissed her off. I hope they are very happy. Life is unkind, and people sometimes just don't get it until it is to late!

[stvneil]

a man once told me find someone that worshipes the ground you walk on. he was right. married for 33 years and she makes it better every year.
later

[Ieatcamaros]

a man once told me find someone that worshipes the ground you walk on

That is exactly what I did. Me and my wife will be married 4 years in July. We are each others best friend. I can talk to her about anything and everything, no matter the time. And likewise for her. We spend time together and we do our own thing. And she LOVES mustangs. Only because I got her into them. She don't bitch when I spend all weekend working on my cars. Even though I spend 85% of my time with the cars.

I had the same thing happen to me as skyman. I feel for you. I was dating this girl for just a little over a year and she throws the marriage shit at me. I was only 18. I was like "Hell no". Typical 18 year old. Only I didn't say it like that. The chemisty between us just wasn't there for me. I mean it was there, but I had some doubts about a few things. Kinda hard to explain. She left and I never looked back. Now she has been married and divorced. I forgot to mention she was 18 too. Just as mr 5.0 said, teenagers don't make the best marriage partners. I totally agree on that. Especially when there is a baby in the mix.

My advice is the same as everyone else. You know where your heart is. You know how she feels about you too. If it takes getting married to her to keep her, it is not meant to be. If she really loves you, she should be patient. But she also needs to know that you aren't gong anywhere either. A lot of women are insecure and you have to make them feel secure. No offense to women, that's just been my experience. My .02. Hope it helps.

[joe4speed]

I'm so sorry, Sky. I have been in your shoes a few times, and I know exactly how you feel. There really are no words of comfort that anyone here will be able to give you, except that it WILL get better and easier. I agree with everything Jim said, and you need to try to be careful about wanting to get even with the guy, even though I know it would feel realllllyyyyyy good to **** with him. But it won't win you any points, it takes two to tango, and your girl is a part of this as well. Just be careful in this time that your emotions might influence your good judgement.
I have more to add, but Jim and others summed it up well.
Just try to take it easy, find some good distractions, it's the best way.
Btw... I have been single for a few years by choice because of a couple similar situations. I still date and have alot of fun, but single CAN BE really nice! Most of my attached friends, male and female, envy me more times than not.

Take care, Sky. I hope things work out for the best.
Joe

[Capri306]

Wow, Sky. That's just $h!!ty, and after all you 2 have been through...

As Mr 5.0 said, you have my empathy. I just hate hearing about this stuff going on. What the F*** ever happened to being faithful? Are we just old fashioned? Is everyone else raised wrong? Sky, judging by what you've put up here on the 'boards over the years, I think you're a pretty cool person. I just hope you know this, and don't bang your head against the wall for what's happened. I've been in that relationship where you've known each other since teens, then you're stuck out in the "real world," and everything changes.

Sky, I'm willing to bet she's going to get burned by this dude, and may even come back to you. So on that note, just keep your cool, K? I know exactly what you wanna do, and I feel ya on wanting to beat his ass/scare him!

On the upside, this happened now and not 5-6 yrs into a marriage. I have friends from high school I graduated with that have gone down that road. These days, being single and still going to college, I look back at that time in my life, and I'm happy that it happened the way it did. It made me a better person just being with my high school GF, and I found things in myself that I never knew about. I will still always wonder what would've been, but I don't dwell on it. I just thank God for the time He gave us together, and move forward with my oh-so-crazy life. I only hope you find something like that on your own path, dude.

Here's to you, Sky. Good luck and keep your head up.

[Fox Body]

Man, I too am sincerely sorry to hear what you're going through.
Forgive me for not saying much, but Mr 5 0 pretty much said everything that I would've said (and quite articulately, too). I would definitely pay close attention to what he said. BTW, I also agree with what jocatmust stated about living together. I am sure you gave her the wrong idea, even if you guys discussed "putting it off for later". In her mind, she's kinda perhap's been expecting more and it may have seemed like with you, she may have just been doomed for forever girlfriend and boyfriend.

Moreover, I don't really know the girl or your relationship with her, but from what you wrote, it seems like this is temporary. When all is said and done, there's been much more of a foundation/history set between you and her and he is just a deep pothole in the road. He cannot beat what you 2 had. I don't want to give you overconfidence in the situation, but that is what I feel. I know you aren't gonna automatically feel 100% better from what anybody here has written, it's just gonna take time, hopefully not much time as she will see what she is missing and come running back. But it just depends on what you want. How serious are you about her? Doesn't mean that you have to run back to her and say that "I'll marry you if you leave him for me." Just saying that she may be more serious about it then you may be and since you're not, she is looking for someone who is.

I hope I haven't brought you down with any of what I wrote, just trying to lend a hand and I hope whatever happens, that it works out for you. Don't forget, you are still young, free, and living in America.

[Skyman]

I sincerly thank you guys all so much for what youve written, and its really flattering almost how much time you took to put in your comments on my situation. Jim/Mr 5.0 I think your dead on on a lot of things there and those were things she expressed to me as well. We went to a counselor as I jsut wanted to help get my feelings straight, and we are going again separate next week and then together in a month. Yesturday morning we talked a lot and I remind myself that I am not mad at her, no one can control their feelings and you can't be mad at them for what they want. Ive done everything to keep 100% honest and open communication between us both, and I think thats been very helpful in the situation. I let loose on her every single feeling I've had, and let her know I dont want her anymore, I want her to go. I hung out with her best friend almost all day yesturday and talked for a long time, it was nice having another girls insight on things. Breanne (my ex) said she felt unappreciated and she would clean the house and I wouldnt notice. Well of course I would I guess I just never made the effort to commend her for her work, which I recognize now is a great thing to do. But theres a flip side to that, in many ways I felt unappreciated as well. I paid 100% of the rent for the duration of our living together. Not the initial arrangement we made, or what I wanted. We initially set she would pay 1/3 I would pay 2/3 as I have a larger income than she does. She was struggling to get out of debt the last year and I kept paying 100% in efforts to help he rise above that, and I even gave her $1900 over time to pay down those credit cards. One of her complains was that I nagged her daily about money. I did. Because I felt like I was sacrificing and saving, and not buying the things I wanted in efforts to save for OUR future, while I didnt see her making the same sacrifies, and not making much progress on her debt. She's young and has not gone through what I went through in debt, so I have a different perspective. I had $22,000 in cc debt when I was 20 years old, which I am finally out from undernow.

As we talked yesturday morning I assured her constantly that I would be there for her in anyway, and listen to her feelings while trying not to let my emotions get in the way, but to be there as a true honest friend. We talked a lot, adn she told me she went out with him again, and hoped in every way that things would go wrong, and she would have a bad time. But she kissed him and everything was exaclty what she didnt want. She had lots of fun, and the kiss was great etc. I already figured this was happening, and I have no anger hearing about it... One thing this has taught me is that you must be honest 100% of the time. Never burry your feelings, no one in the world will ever be mad at you for the truth.

So last night she calls me, says shes done a lot of talking and thinking with her mom all night and wants to try and work things out. Quite different from what went on that morning. Well I did a lot of thinking and talking all day and finally came to grips that I don't want her back, now atleast, maybe later, we'll see where things go. Of course there was a side of me that wanted her to come back right then and there, as nights at the house are very lonely alone, and everything reminds me of her. But I believe firmly she needs to go find herself, find out what she wants, and fully explore the feelings that caused this breakup. When and if we do come back together there will have to be a lot of things worked out that were slowly swept under the rug before.

Lastly it hurts me feeling that I wasnt fun enough that someone would walk out after so long with out sitting down and having some seroius talk about it. I wouldnt do that now, but I did once in the past, so I cannot blame her. I can't be a hippocrit. I have to understand that she may not be where I am mentally and emotionally in terms of maturity and, will have to go through the ropes to get there. I've now taken my blinders off and see in more ways than one that we were different that ignored in the past.

Im still very confused. Two parts of me wants two different things.

-Skyler

P.S. I'll be back on the board a lot more, its nice knowing everyone that posts.

Again, its really nice to read the sincere posts from you all.

[302 LX Eric]

Skyler - I sincerely hope things work out for the best. Whether that means you're with her or without her. Just reading your posts here I can see that you are very strong, mature and much more grounded than I was at 22.

Take care,
Eric

[jocatmust]

{ Not the initial arrangement we made, or what I wanted. We initially set she would pay 1/3 I would pay 2/3 as I have a larger income than she does. She was struggling to get out of debt the last year and I kept paying 100% in efforts to help he rise above that, and I even gave her $1900 over time to pay down those credit cards. One of her complains was that I nagged her daily about money. I did. Because I felt like I was sacrificing and saving, and not buying the things I wanted in efforts to save for OUR future, while I didnt see her making the same sacrifies, and not making much progress on her debt. She's young and has not gone through what I went through in debt, so I have a different perspective. I had $22,000 in cc debt when I was 20 years old, which I am finally out from undernow. }

You wanted to move in together and you knew she was having financial trouble. Yes, I am sure that it bothers you that she did not go with her word. She is human and if you talk to her, she probably would tell you that it makes her feel bad not to be able to do as she said. To nag her is bad, you are not her parent. Everybody wants to live with their best fan instead of their worst crititic. I was insulted on a daily basis and it made me feel bad about myself. Please talk to one another with an open mind and not be defensive. Good Luck and wish you the best.
-

[GhOsT6_9]

Hey Sky

I know I'm a little late with the comments and such, but better late then never. I'm 23 as well and just like you I've just gone through the same thing. My now ex-g/f and I were engaged and soon after we were engaged she decided that she wanted to "be alone" which really turned out to be that she wanted to go date some other guy. Which i wasn't too impressed about, but not much I could do about it. Its been 2 months now, and i can say those first few weeks were absolutely the hardest to deal with. Just stick with it and if you've got a few GOOD guy friends they'll stick with ya and help you through this, I know my boyz did for me.

But I commend you with your decision to not go back with her right away and to keep on your own and work on yourself and let her find herself. I know that hurts alot and takes alot of guts to do so props to ya on that.

I know you'll find some other girls, not necessarily right away but eventually, that will absolutely blow your mind (no pun intended). But above all else, go out have some fun and do whatever it takes to keep your mind occupied. Workin on the car does wonders, I did more work on my Stang in 1 week then I did in 3 months after me and my ex broke up.

But good luck to ya, and like everyone else if ya ever need someone to talk to I'm here, so just gimme a hollar.

[MidNiteBlu 5.0]

Im sorry to hear that sky I dont have much experience in the relationship department so I will just give my best wishes for you in the future

Nick

[Skyman]

Thank you all so much. Weve talked so much the past few days, breanne and I, being more open and honest then ever before. We talked a lot today, and everytime we talk and express feelings more I feel better. I knew the things she said to me about wanting to get back together last night werent her true feelings. And the other people around her in her life have been telling her what to do, not to do what she wants. And thats what Ive been telling her. Its been ahrd but this has in everyway changed my life for the better, and I am honestly so shocked at how much better I am feeling tonight than last night. I told her she needs to do what she wants and do wahts in her heart and I am there for her in every capacity as I am for any of my friends always. She told me she honestly feels nothing love wise more than a friend for me anymore, and that did shock me a bit, but I am ok with it. She cant help her feelings and I cant be mad at her for them. And I know a lot of her pain is hidden and wrapped up in this new excitement this new man. The only thing that still eats at me is how he lied so boldly to my face, I feel slightly "one-upped" by him on that, but I am learning to let it go. I told her I wanted him to call me an appologize. Maybe thats not the right thing, ugh, Im not sure on anything, but I know I am feeling better, and things seem to be moving where they should be. God I had no clue in the world I would be who I am today last thursday. What a different person I am. Its quite amazing. I didnt think I'd be the one comfortably talking to her about her guy and her every feeling for him, but I am, and I feel good about it. This is shoot... either the #1 or #2 most life changing experience in my life, and definatly the swiftest change no matter where it ranks. Its funny that we lasted through the moves away for us both, and the moving closer was what ultimatly brought us apart.

I would list everyone here by name that responded, as your every post was INVALUABLE to me in feeling better and helping to cope and deal with feelings. Ive heard everyones input in my life, friends, family, the checker at vons grocery, aqaintences, and you guys, and every bit was just as valueable and all helped me to come to my own choices.

One thing I've learned is there is no clear cut answer to anything in life. No one holds your answer. Skyler + Breanne was an equation no one had seen before and one no one but those two people could find the solution too. Me alone is something only I can find the answers for. Yes peoples input is great in everyway to help you come to that answer, but everyone must find the unique solution they need on their own.

Id like to keep hearing form you guys. And this whole experience has really made me learn a lot more about life and talk about life in general. I am a much better pseron that can almost 100% express themself and all my feelings openly to anyone now. I thank God for it all. Wow, it sure is a reminder you dont know everything at 22, which I already knew, but needed a slap in the face.

-Skyler

[bri32zz]

Skyler I feel your pain my friend. Believe it or not everthing happens for a reason. There are so many other women out there that I am sure would love to be with you. It wil take time but you MUST move on. Better now then when you have kids together or something. Be strong. Go out and get friendly with a hot chick and dont worry about it. It will make you old like I am.

[Unit 5302]

Hey Sky,

I thought there might be a post up about this, and I figured I'd chime in. You know, in that Unit 5302 brutally honest sort of way.

I've seen a lot of good advice, and interpretations of what might be going on and how people might be feeling. I've seen the helpful advice to worship the ground that she walks on, constantly praise her, and to understand that living together is somehow a clear indication of the intent to get married in the near future.

Here's the cold hard truth.

1. She's was acting in a decitful manner, being unfaithful to your relationship for at least the second time.
2. Neither did she give you warning nor did she try to communicate with you about how she was feeling.
3. You were largely supporting her, and she was not acting responsibly.
4. People posting that moving in with somebody or rather, allowing them to move in with you, is a clear indication of the intent to marry in the near future must be living in some dark wooded area that I've never been to.
5. Why would you want to marry somebody who was fiscally completely irresponsible anyway?
6. No guy that has the intent to steal your girlfriend is going to outright say that and give you a chance to put up a greater defense.
7. The number one reason people break up is a 3rd party. I don't really think it's anybody's fault until one party in the current relationship acts in a decitful manner. She allowed it to happen.
8. Her family and friends apparently want her to get back together with you, which says volumes.

My personal opinion is to find somebody new. You've been with her for over 4 years now, and she still hasn't figured out how well she has it, and quite frankly, I don't expect she ever will if you take her back.

All I can really do is just wish you the best of luck, and let you know that I'm around if you need me, bud.