Yankee's at a Texas Chili Cookoff.

[crewzin]

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster named Chris, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili would'nt be all that hot, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 : Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster CHili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
CHRIS: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili#2 Arthurs Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CHRIS: Keep this out of reach of children! Im not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili#3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CHRIS: Call the EPA , Ive located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone know the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting ****faced from all the beer.

Chili#4: Bubb's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no temperature. Dissappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CHRIS: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, it is possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste im eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili#5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CHRIS: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me need help. The contestant seemed offended when I told that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili#6: Vera's Very Vegatarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of temp and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CHRIS: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and Im worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that thing, Sally, she must be kinkier than i thought. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili#7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
CHRIS: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would'nt feel a damm thing. Ive lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damm shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too painfull. Screw it, im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Ill just suck it up through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili#8: Helen's Mount Saint CHili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but ****y enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed our, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes gonna make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to the really hot chili?

Though you guys would enjoy this story from Tejas! Yeehaawww

[Mercury]

Crewzin!!!!!!

Oh my god dude...Did you compose that???? That was one of the funniest things I've ever read. I'm still laughing. I was laughing so hard I was Crying and gasping for air.

Very well written. I love it. I'll save that one. Let me catch my breath now.

I'm a yank that was born with a never ending, unrelenting desire/taste for Hot Spicy Food. You know its good when your sweating, and your vision begins to blur.

God that was funny man. I cant stop laughing. Great writting.

[silver_pilate]

That's some funny stuff.

Gotta love Texas food...not much beats Tex Mex or Texas BBQ.

Reminds me of a time I went to the "Texas BBQ" restaraunt in North Carolina. I ordered a chicken fried steak, and they brought out his little scrawny looking piece of charred meat that looked like and was the size of a patty off of a Burger King cheesburger. And it had BROWN gravy all over it. I was like...what the heck!??! I asked if they had creamy white gravy, and they didn't even carry it!!! I've talked with others from the east who think that the chicken fried steak is the most discusting thing in the world...and to those I ask...HOW CAN YOU LIVE????!!!! I don't know about you, but I like good food, and so far it's been hard to beat Texan cooking (or serving sizes ). Here in Amarillo, we've got the Big Texan steakhouse. They serve a 72 oz steak with all the sides. If you can eat it all in like two hours, you get it free. But you have to eat ALL of it....sides and everything. But they don't have the best BBQ. You gotta find the little dives for that stuff.

And another thing that I don't understand is this crap they call New Mexican food (obviously found in New Mexico). They use the green and red chillis much more than Tex Mex, but the stuff is about the same as far a spinciness. No offense to you guys in NM, but that stuff aint real food. You've gotta have some meat in there...food has to have some substance...you know, put hair on your chest, meat on your bones. You go to a New Mexican food restauraunt, and they don't even bring you out chips and salsa. You've gotta pay extra for that. And they serve your coke in a little 8 oz glass which wouldn't put out a match, and heaven forbid if you're thirsty...gotta pay for refills as well. And if you want extra tortillas...better get out the wallet. What's up with that. Maybe it's just the places I've been to, but I'll stick to good ol' Tex Mex where the serving sizes are big, and the refills are free.



--nathan

[Crazy Horse GT]

muhahahahaha thank's crewzin,i needed a good laugh wheee that did the trick that's a great one,even merc is jealous ,great joke best one i have heard in awhile btw i gave you the old 5 star's up.l8ter

[OnMy3rdStang]

My dad can cook an awesome pot of chili.....mmmmmmmmmmmmm...chili........

[FivepointOH]

Ahh... this post made me want some good chili.... and i've got to settle for whatever they ran over tonite fried into a greasy mass and served in the cafateria. GOD BLESS REAL TEXAS FOOD TOUGH!!

crewzin.....soooooo funny......I am still laughing my a** off, lordy that was good. You ought to write a funny book full of jokes I sure would be the first one in line, Ok Merc. you need to come up with a good one too..........Lee

[Mercury]

Yep, I'm jealous. Thats a tuff one to beat. I'm still laughing at it.

[mustangdani55]

YUP... nobody makes Chili like Texans... I really miss a great pot of HOT chili. Up here when people make chili, they put macaroni in it.
And they use jarred peppers..mild ones. When I make a pot of chili, i use the real stuff and everyone loves it. I always have requests to bring my famous Texas Chili to get togethers. I don't make it all that hot, I just use different spices, and I get them from a little mexican store right down the street, cause the spices they have at the store, just aren't the same.

[silver_pilate]

Yeah...mild chilli is just plain crap. Medium chilli doesn't do a thing for me. Hot chilli is alright. You gotta get the stuff that makes your ears water, makes you all warm in your stomach, and makes the hair on your neck stand up. And don't rub your eyes after eating it. MMmmmmmm.....chilli....I gotta go make some now...with some cornbread. Cornbread with cheese and jalepenos in the center. ahlalaaahhalaa....*nathan drooling like a rabid dog on the keyboard*.

--nathan

[PKRWUD]

I received that in an email about a year ago, but had forgotten all about it. It is well done, and Crewzin tells it very well.

Take care,
-Chris

[Topless In Texas]

NO PLACE BUT TEXASS!!!

[crewzin]

Ya I thought you guys would enjoy that one. A guy at work told me about it and I laughed my *** off. Chili is a source of Texas pride thats for sure, along with its beautiful women. I like my chili hot with a lot of meat and a splash of rice. Some good beer (FOSTERS) and good company, uuhhhmmmm you cant beat that. I like my women--well wont go there. Chili and gumbo are to die for around here with the blend of Texans-Cajuns-Mexicans that we have in the area. Damm good food everywhere. Gotta go eat, see you guys later...

[89LXFLEA]

I FELL OUT OF MY FRIGGEN CHAIR
I WAS CRYING LIKE A SCHOOL BOY
EVERYONE RAN OVER TO SEE IF I
WAS ALLRITE THEN THEY STARTED
TO LAUGH TOO....................

[MustangKelly96]

A few weeks back I visited Cincinnati, OH. I was told "have to try the chili," they are famous for it." OMG!!!! They call that s**t chili!!?? WTF! A thin broth like stuff with ground beef and NO beans, and get this, the "secret" ingredient is cinnamon! Some put chocolate in it. No offense meant, but I think I'll stick with my Tex-Mex chili.