jokes sent to me

[rbohm]

these are amusing:
This should be fairly pc.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as euroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". sertainly ,sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also , the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typwriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". this will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also , al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year , peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

Duing ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!

next one:

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a
former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f@cking stupid to own a computer

Next time you get stopped for speeding!

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
You: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drink-driving.
Officer: Is this your car, Sir?
You: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
You: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
You: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
You: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. The car will be quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approaches you to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
You: Sure. Here it is. It's valid.
Captain: whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.( You own the car.)
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?
You: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there is nothing
in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
You: No problem. You open the boot; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the boot.
You: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b@st@rd told you I was speeding, too!

What Haynes really means!
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good
pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this
cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been
more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you
plebe!


Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for, whilst muttering, “bugger” repeatedly

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to the wife,
"Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone




Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar the thing you
want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit
about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses
this form of
understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look
at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will
never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do
these
compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the glow
plugs
in your Mini see the last translation on the list!
Haynes Manuals are the (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

[cyberstang5.0]

BAHAHAHA!

[8T4SVOChick]

LMAO! Those were good. My favorite was the computer technical support. Love it!

[Fox Body]

LOL LOL I LOVE the Haynes joke!!! Man, can I relate (to just about everyone of them!

[rbohm]

i had originally posted one other, but i felt it would be better suited to smack house, so i will post it there.

[rbohm]

more jokes:

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk:
> Indubitably
> Innovative
> Preliminary
> Proliferation
> Cinnamon
>
> Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
> Specificity
> British
> Constitution
> Loquacious
> Transubstantiate
>
> Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
> Thanks, ! but I don't want to have sex.
> Nope, no more booze for me.
> Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
> Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.



Why Star Wars Is Better Than Real Life

In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station Wagon;" In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the Millennium Falcon."

In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked at as bad and sinful; In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight.

In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy; In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors.

In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer; In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all.

In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors, toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea; In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.

In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch"; In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry.

In real life, people must deal with the problems of children; In Star Wars, children do not exist.

In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college profs.; In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language barriers.

In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society; In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and has his own sail barge, lounge room, and dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.

In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo; In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.

In real life, some people are complete losers; In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.

In real life, people sometimes smell; In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower

Glaciers

A woman on her first visit to Denali National Park in Alaska said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"


"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.


"But where are the glaciers," the woman asked.


"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."


Subject: TV anchor woman Barbara Walters did a story
> > >> >
> > >> >
> > >> > TV anchor woman Barbara Walters did a story on gender
roles in
> Kuwait
> > >> >several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women
customarily
> > >> >walked a few feet behind their husbands.
> > >> >
> > >> >In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and
observed
> that
> > >> >men now walked several yards behind their wives.
> > >> >
> > >> >Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said,
"This is
> > >> >marvelous! Can you tell the free world just what it was
that
enabled
> > >> >women here to achieve this total reversal of
roles?"
> > >> >
> > >> >"Land mines," replied the woman.
> > >>