Southern visitation rules

[DAN-MAN]

>
>
> > Southern Visitation Rules
> >
> > If you are going to live in or visit the south, you need to know
the
> > rules.
> >
> > In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Southerner's
mind,
the
> > following list will be handed to all persons as they enter a
Southern
> > state.
> >
> > 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast
than
you
> > do all week at the gym.
> >
> > 2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive,
you're
going
> > to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the
way.
> >
> > 3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
color,
don't
> > wash your car for a couple weeks it'll be permanent. The big
lumps of
> > it, they're called "clods."
> >
> > 4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah,
> > we saw Bambi. We got over it.
> >
> > 5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will
get
you
> > whipped - by our women.
> >
> > 6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
> > flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
> > little 13-inch trout you fish for - bait.
> >
> > 7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
> >
> > 8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and
whatever, and
> > wear your hair long, go right ahead-but if we call you ma'am,
don't
> > be offended.
> >
> > 9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their
> > final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's
not
up
> > to your ear at the time.
> >
> > 10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what
> > you paid in the airport for one drink.
> >
> > 11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu. Order steak.
Order
> > it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two
> > pounds of ham and turkey.
> >
> > 12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet.
> > You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -
add a
> > lot of water.
> >
> > 13. You bring Coke into my house, it had better be brown, wet, and
served
> > over ice.
> >
> > 14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We
> > have a quarter-of-a-million-dollar combine that we only use two
weeks
> > a year.
> >
> > 15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when
> > it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
> >
> > 16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.
So,
> > you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
> >
> > 17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat
(yeah,
> > even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we
go to
> > high school football games on Friday nights, we still address
our
> > seniors with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am', and we sometimes
still
take
> > Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
> >
> > 18. We don't do 'hurry up' well.
> >
> > 19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil
> > them with either salty fatback or a ham hock.
> >
> > 20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too. You really
want
> > sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
> >
> > 21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like
> > it? Interstates 65, 95, and 75 go two ways - Interstates 10,
20, and
> > 40 go the other two. Pick one.
> >
> > 22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe some pepper on
them.
> > You want to put milk and sugar n them, then you want cream of
wheat -
> > go to Kansas.That would be I-40 West.
> >
> > 23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season.
> > Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and
sausage
> > before daylight at the church on either day.
> >
> > 24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
> > friendly. Understand the concept?
> >
> > 25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks
> > the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the
rough, we
> > have these things called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball
> > players.
> >
> > 26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving
like
> > an idiot - his name is 'Sir,' no matter how young he is.
> >
> > 27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them.
You
> > park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on
your
hood.
> >
> > 28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions.
> > The liberal contingent of our state wanted to stop this. There
is
now
> > a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner.
> >
> > Now, enjoy your visit... I emphasize - 'visit

Daniel.