Why are parents so controlling nowdays? (long)

[DemonGT]

Why are parents so controlling nowadays?

When I was 15 I broke out of my shell and told my parents what's up. I still live at home but I mind my business and they mind theirs. By now my mom knows better then to stick her nose in my business.

I mean when I was still in school I stayed out late all the time and drank and all that but I pretty much told my parents; "I'm going to stay out late party and skip school...but I WILL graduate" and there just, like: "Yeah, well as long as you graduate". You know, some parents nowadays just control their childrens lives so much it makes me sick.

A friend of mine is a Senior and almost 18 and his mom makes him be home by 11 or he gets grounded and she tells him who he can and can't hang around. When he goes places - like to someones house - he has to call her when he gets there. I mean, wtf is that? Man, grow some ballz.

I mean, I look at it like this:
I think when a kid is 15 parents should start letting go some....and slowly start letting go. Then, when their, like, 16, just let go and keep a eye on them some, you know? 'Cause it hurts them in the long run. They aren't going to be very independent. "Hey can you work overtime tonight". Oh, "I gotta call my mom and ask" - you know. I just don't think it's good to over protect/control your kids in this day and age. Once in the real world you have to be independent and pretty tuff to survive.

I know a lot of you on here are parents so you will most likely not agree with me but times change and so should people.

[Fox Body]

Hmmm. You made a few decent points DemonGT, but from what you wrote I can tell which general age group you are in (that is not an insult, believe it or not).

...i still live at home but i mind my business and they mind theres...by now my mom knows better then to stick her nose in my business...

Sorry to hear that's how deep your relationship goes with your parents DemonGT.

i mean when i was still in school i stayed out late all the time and drank and all that..but i pretty much told my parents..im going to stay out late party and skip school...

I guess you think it's cool to stay out late, drinking during school nights . Sorry to hear that too.

I'll be frank and say that I don't agree with most of what you complained about. B4 you get angry at me (although you still probably will), I just turned 24 this month. I don't have kids, not married, and just graduated college May of this year. I remember having the same (probably worse) attitude you have. Like I was, seems like you have your way of thinking and no one's gonna change it-- especially your parents-- b/c, even though they are older than you and have more experience with life (of course not in ALL things, but most) you just feel your eyes have been somehow miraculously opened this early on in life and just know everything. You'll have to learn the hard way like many others instead of listening to people who have gone b4 you and can give you hints to living life. If that's the way you want it, I'd hope you reconsider...I mean, if someone who's been a Ford mechanic for 20 years tells me not to do a certain thing to my motor as I'm building it, I ain't gonna do it cause that person's gonna have more experience than myself.

Yeah, parents do suck sometimes and they are NOT ALWAYS right, but for the MOST part, I'd rather have Billy Glidden working on my Mustang rather than Bozo the Clown.

DemonGT, I hope you don't think I'm attacking you or anything, b/c that is not my intention. Please don't throw anything at me.

[Mr 5 0]

DemonGT:

Yeah, you guessed correctly; anyone who is a parent won't agree with you because your attitude is absurd - from an adults point of view.

What you and your parents choose to do is your business but if I had a 15-year-old child who decided to tell me "what's up" I can guarantee you that he would be told 'what's up' by me.

At fifteen, a child is a minor and the parents are legally responsible for them as well as their actions. 'Staying out late and drinking' and who knows what else is something that I would not tolerate. It's dangerous and destructive behavior for someone not quite old enough to drive yet.

If my child persisted in such behavior, I would call DCS and have them take the child out of my home - legally - and I would have such a child declared either incorrigible by the court and remanded to a juvenile facility or declared emancipated (declared a legal adult) and let the child fend for itself in the real world, as I would consider myself having utterly failed in my duties as a parent.

The idea of some 15-year-old telling his/her parents what they are going to do and not do while they live in the parent-provided home and eat their food and basically live off the parents would be amusing of it didn't happen all too often. That doesn't make it right.

I don't care about being my child's 'friend' - I'm his father. I love him as no other person ever will (a wife is a different kind of love) and I feel it's my duty to give him everything I can offer, including moral guidance. That would include respect for his parents and authority figures (teachers, bosses, etc). Too many parents are too eager or just to intimidated by their teenage kids to exercise parental responsibility. It's easier to just let the kid do what they please while the parent works overtime or simply throws up their hands and say "Whattayagonnado?"

Any teenage child that thinks they are sooo independent usually has a lot to learn about how life works. Having a minimum-wage job while living rent-free in your parents home, often with the parents supplying a car and insurance is not living as an adult. Contrary to what many teens believe, having experienced puberty does not magically make you an adult, either.

Living on your own, working full-time and paying all your own expenses, from rent to food to utilities, to car payments and insurance and all the other expenses incurred in a normal adult life makes you an adult, because then you'll have taken on - and met - adult responsibilities.

Now, this is not what a lot of teens want to hear, but it's the way I see it because it's real life.
Many parents meet their kids halfway and help them become independent over time as the teen demonstrates responsibility in more and more areas. Telling the adults responsible for you where you are and what you are doing should not be the big burden most teens make it out to be.
It's simple common sense, something that a responsible teen and responsible parents should want to agree on. Of course, it doesn't always work out this way, I know, but it can and does for many.

I'm aware that every family situation is different and I have no interest in telling anyone else how to act or how another parent should raise their kids. I simply offer my opinion that teen independence should come with responsibility, just like in the real world, where Mommy and Daddy won't be around to pay the bills or otherwise fix anything you mess up because you made stupid mistakes or showed poor judgement, as often happens.

'Letting go' of parental responsibility is something that should not happen until the child is at least 18, and often later than that.
That doesn't mean the teen has to be monitored 24 hours a day, but this notion that a 16-year-old should just do as they please, whenever they please while living in the parental home is just a fantasy, in my opinion. Bad idea and irresponsible on the part of parents who allow it.
A balance can be reached but that takes mutual trust and communication between parents and child, something I realize is often missing - but that's another story.

That's 'What's Up'.

[Capri306]

*stands up on the box*

Okay, I know where you're coming from, DemonGT. Being a 21-year-old college student still living at home, I sure as heck know a LOT about this stuff, so I'll give you what I've learned about parents and their kids' behavior.

My parents give me some 'guidelines' to follow as long as I'm living here, which won't be that much longer since I'm going to Michigan State next year. These guidelines include things like: call home if I'm going to be out past 1:00am, clean up my messes (I call them rebuilds, but to each his own), and just try to help out around the house. I play along with these just fine, cooking dinner occasionally, cleaning up things that aren't even my messes (usually are my brother's), and just making some good ol' conversation with them when I can.

Okay, how 'uncool' is that? Well, they're helping me with car insurance, some extra $$$ for college expenses, a place to live, and so forth. They really do a LOT for me, and I know for a fact it wouldn't be happening if we weren't on good terms. If I was a little arsehole like that 15-yr-old you were talking about, I'd get NOTHING. Not only financially, but having a suffering relationship with your family is the worst thing you can do. Not being loved by your parents because of your own actions? Awful....and tragic.

One thing I've learned through the walk of life is that your friends may come and go, but your family will always be there, whether you like it or not. I know sometimes there are extenuating circumstances to that (adoption, family dysfunctionality), but your mother will always be your mother, and your father will always be your father.

Here's another way of looking at it. A lot of parents don't want their kids winding up like the ones whose parents don't care where they go, what they do, when they do it, or who they're doing it with. Enforcing the rules strictly gives children a 'fear-of-god/parents' attitude which is better than the more common 'I-don't-give-a-sh*t' one. Those latter kids are typically losers because their parents didn't give them OR enforce any sort of discipline OR repect, hence the parents are losers. Period. Hey, if you're a parent, it is your God-given duty to make sure your child is given the means, the obligation, and the encouragement to be decent human beings. If your kid grew up to kill people or be a criminal, wouldn't YOU feel the least bit responsible? Well, at least until they're out of the house, you SHOULD!

I think my parents have done a fantastic job raising me. I have an outstanding respect for others, I'm a good citizen, and I can take care of myself. Yeah, yeah, you calling me a 'nice guy'? haha, only sometimes. LoL

Next time your 'rents do something you think's unfair, take a look at it from their point of view. If you want a tip, only ask to do something out of the ordinary once in a while, that way they're more likely to say yes.

[Ty'97Cobra]

Here is another $.02......

I'm married, but don't have kids yet. You should put yourself in your parents shoes in a matter of speaking. How would you like a 12 year old telling you what to do when you are driving your car? Or a 16 year old? Now expand your realm of thinking to a house, family, or life. Your parents are trying to "make you miss" the mistakes that they made. They are just trying to point you in the right direction.

As for skipping school and all that, try this. What you should do is drive around in your mustang through the different neighborhoods in your city. You have the getto neighborhoods, poor neighborhoods, average neighborhoods, and the rich neighborhoods. Take a good hard look at how these people are living. A good hard long look. Which do you want to end up being?

Now you have a choice, do you blow all your time and $$$ on a car or invest it in your education. Your parents are trying to tell you the education is worth it. I chose the education and now I own a Cobra and an LX, both of which are paid for.

Dude, partying is cool, but FOCUS on the goals that will make you a better person. Partying will only last one night. The education will last forever. Passing was good 50 years ago. You need to do the best you can and do better than the next guy. Your parents won't foot the bill forever. If you tell them to 'Piss off", they might do the same, and if you are over 18 you are an ADULT and S.O.L. Dont be a fool.

You can write this down. I know that your friends 8 year from now will be completely different from who they are now. If you doubt it, then look at who you are friends with now compared with 8 years ago. As you go along, your family is the only constant.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do. I would chill, get the best education they can pay for and enjoy life. Things change. That is the hardest part.

[1BAD89]

Ya know I half a$$ read your post and the reply's. But it all comes down to this, YOU LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE! They can have whatever rules they want, "until you grow some balls" and move out on your own, deal with it. And you want to stay out late and drink all the time? Man that sounds like the life! You sound like a big loser....You sound like a friend I used to have....Geez, someday you'll grow up. I do see where your comming from I used to think like you(minus the drinking part), until I realized that my parents are only trying to help and raise me right, so I'm not a ****** loser like "some people" and go out and drink every night. I'm glad I'm not a dumba$$. Man I am really pi$$ed off for some reason....

[Unit 5302]

DemonGT, I'm not gonna pull any punches on this. Grow up, kid.

You have a hell of a lot to learn. I'm only 24 as well, btw. Although my parents gave me a lot of freedom, they always made their views on my activities known. I've seen way overprotective parents, and I've seen lax parents. There is a line in there to walk, but your parents "minding their business and letting you mind yours" is the mark of todays **** parenting. I see it all over the place, and quite frankly, I believe parents lack of interest or discipline over their kids is a major reason for todays problems in education, growing youth crime, and gang related activities.

The idea that todays youth somehow have mystically gained knowledge and wisdom over previous generations is absurd.

I've read your posts, and your have a serious problem with authority. I'm not sure why you view any authority with disrespect, but I guarantee you the future is a lot brighter for you if you finally figure out there are other people out there that call the shots.

Here, Here all you guys a women could not have put this situtation in a better perceptive that you have. So I will not make any comments because all of you did a good job on explaining how important it is to be a responsible young "adult" that seems to know it all. I will say one thing, write us after you have raised a child and tell us how it goes. I understand why you call yourself DEMONGT

[DemonGT]

mm im only 20 yes i do what i want ..i have a full time job and plan on school once my vehicals are payed off...i dont stay out late drinken anymore..that was when i was younger..its just my parents have more of a "live and learn" attitude...i dont have any probs with my parents or anything it just bothers me to see that some times...and im by no means saying drinken is good i just used it as a example..and UNIT i am grown up im just stating that in my opinion it dosnt help them..and im not saying that parents shouldnt tell there kids not to do stuff ..it just seems like theres so meny over protective parents now days..like i stated above the only way there going to really learn is by doing it..MR 50 im not saying im a bad *** telling my parents whats up im just saying that as kids get older if parents dont let there parental crap slide alittle kids turn 100% rebel and end up in group homes and running away from home and all that, and if parental control ends at 18 how are they going to know how to handle themselfs in the real world

i have alot of respect for my parents they do alot for me and i do have rules and stuff..they dont care when i come home just as long as im not coming home drunk and waking them up etc. etc.

ty97cobra..asken if i should spend money on my car or eduactaion is a pretty hard question..mmm ha j/k

1BAD89...you dont know me and im by far a loser..and again i state "i drank all the time when younger in high school" not now i work full time...anymore smack coming out of you BAD and we'll have to linem up

UNIT i do have a prob with authority..and i dont know why..thats why id like to own my own business...i dont like to be controled..just like my car sometimes

and im not saying telling your kids what to do etc. is bad im just saying some parents go TO far with it...if anyone has heard the metallica song dyers eve ..last song on the justice album..that sums it up pretty good...

i guess what brought this on is how some parents tell there kids what to do and they dont understand there kids and how they feel...

and another thing that gets my goat is i have a younger freind(15) and if he dosnt do what his parents say or disobeys them to much they send him away to a group home out of state...isnt that kinda...over doing it...kinda like saying you cant handle being a parents so to solve it just get rid of'em..right?

[1BAD89]

IN YOUR FIRST POST YOU MADE IT SOUND LIKE YOU JUST STAY OUT LATE EVERYNIGHT AND DRINK. YOUR RIGHT I DON'T KNOW YOU.....I JUST HAD A FRIEND THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE YOU DESCRIBED...AND...HE'S A GOOD GUY AND ALL, JUST IS GOING NO-WHERE DRINKING EVERNIGHT AND PARTYING EVERYNIGHT. I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE CAME OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT IN YOUR FIRST POST, IT MADE A FEW PEOPLE MAD, AND MADE THEM THINK YOUR AN IDIOT...........I DON'T KNOW, I'LL COMMENT LATER WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME.

[Unit 5302]

I have seen way more of the lax parenting approach now a days than the overprotective parenting for teenagers lately.

For the younger kids, I hate to admit it, but it's pretty annoying. If their kid is under 10, parents are terrified to let their child out of their sight. By the time the kid gets to 13, the parents have decided they are tired and the new wave of "letting go" is what they should be following. Nutballs have made it hard to discipline your children... Ah it's just all a joke now.

It amounts to people sticking their noses too far into other people's business, and being lazy.

[Stang Runner]

But as long as they give you food and a place to sleep You must respect them even if you think they are A$$ about it.

[7DMACH1]

I'm 50 yrs. old and a parent.

My son is 26 and my daughter is 23. Let me ask you one question: What's in your future? Drinking and partying will get old quick and then you're going to realize it's too late.

When I was a kid I thought my parents were a@@holes too because they wouldn't let me do 'my thing'. My Father died when I was 20 years old. I wish almost every day that he was alive so I could thank him for the way he raised me.

Respect your parents. They have WISDOM; something that only comes from have been there and done that. Parents are only trying to show you the right way and help you make the miktakes they did.

The reason I know is my son, who is 26 yrs. old, has 3 DUI's spent time in prison for it and got in a BAD accident a year and a half ago. He's $14,000.00 in debt because of this and his license is suspended for three years. He has to have a breathalizer installed in his car before he can get his license back. This is what drinking and partying does for you.

He now is being sued by the two girls that were injured. His life is totaled from this. He will be paying for this for a long long time. Don't make the same mistakes. He's a good kid basically just that when he drinks he doesn't know when to stop. He got a good job and a bright future in his career if he gets past this.

It's been a year and a half and he's still on probation and has to report once a month and has to go to DUI classes every week. He has to do volunteer wook at a hospital. Is this what you would like your life to be like? It can happen. Wise up and decide what your future is going to be. I don't think this is a bright future but it sounds like that's the direction you're heading. Change your direction and get on with your life and think about what's in your future.

RAY

The Parts Mangager

[Crazy Horse GT]

man, not to flame on you anymore but im 43 & i still listen to what my dad has to tell me, my mom is not alive anymore but, i would listen to her also if she was here, all i have to say they are the two most important people who love you & care about what happen's to you, think about it, they raised you from a baby until now jeez get a grip, take my word for it your partying may be fun now but in 20 year's your body will remind you of every freakin drink, or drug you did .

[1BAD89]

Man guys, I really apolgize for my typing in my last post, my keyboard is slowly fading away.... I have never found the point of drinking or drugs.....if you can't have fun without them then you have problems.....I know people that just live for the weekend so they can get fugged up, needless to say I don't hang out with them. I think it's sad... Your either going to end up dead or killing someone if you keep that life style....you might not think it'll happen to you, but what if it does? There is a good possibility...anyway...

But as long as they give you food and a place to sleep You must respect them even if you think they are A$$ about it.

I couldn't have said it better.

[Crazy Horse GT]

right on the money 1bad89, go boy go. kinda sad isnt it

[LittleBlueStang]

Shoot, if I had told my dad "what's up" when I was a teen, I'd have been picking myself up off the floor about 1.5 seconds later. Not that my dad was abusive, but if I ever felt it was my place to lip off, he certainly felt it was his place to "readjust" my way of thinking. It's old school respect and you should have it for your parents. Not this "Dr. Joyce Brothers" garbage. What today's youth needs is a group spanking for about 20 minutes straight. So many of today's teens think that they can do whatever they want because they have the courts on their side. Parents are scared to discipline their kids for fear of abuse charges. When my kids lip off, they get swatted...period. Non of this "now, now son." crap. I love my kids dearly, but I am also an advocate of "tough love" too. A close friend of mine shared Demon's view on parental control. The end result? My friend's 27 years old, has a 5th grade education, can't hold a job, still lives w/ mommy, still smokes dope regularly and can't understand why his life is so f@#ked up. Do I have words of wisdom? Pull you head out of your third point of contact and understand that your parents are the only thing in this life that, as kids, we have. They should be the stars in your sky and sun on your face. Respect them and what they say. They won't be here forever and neither will their advise.

[1BAD89]

Everyone has some REALLY good advice.

[Mr 5 0]

DemonGT

You wrote:

MR 50 im not saying im a bad *** telling my parents whats up im just saying that as kids get
older if parents dont let there parental crap slide a little kids turn 100% rebel and end up in group homes and running away from home and all that, and if parental control ends at 18 how are they going to know how to handle themselfs in the real world?

I disagree.

Your use of the term 'parental crap' is indicative of a misunderstanding as to what parental authority really entails. It's not a means to oppress you. Other posts have made that clear but you apparently can't see it.
You will, some day.

Setting rules and having reasonable expectations is not oppression and I doubt it will turn any reasonable teen into a rebel that isn't already there and finds the word 'no' a challenge that they feel they must meet and defeat. That's really a losing attitude and gets you nowhere.

"Nobody tells ME what to do" is a mindset and attitude that too many teens carry around and it just makes them look immature and clueless when they attempt to carry this attitude into real life.
Flash: Other people CAN tell you 'what to do' and will, and there are unpleasant consequences for trying to buck them.

MTV videos may give some the impression that a 'in-your-face' attitude and the right clothes make you invincible but that won't play in the real world. Those are just singers, acting for the camera.

We all have to deal with authority; whether it's parents, teachers, professors, bosses or cops. We cannot do exactly as we please all the time no matter who we are or how old we are.
To see that simple fact of social life as some sort of oppression is rather juvenile and guarantees lots of trouble in the future if followed through to it's logical conclusion.

You want to own your own business? Great. I hope that happens for you but you'll still have to deal with potential and current customers and that means being nice to people that you want to pay you money, even if they are a pain in the butt. Get used to it, that's reality.

We live in a great country that offers us more freedom than anywhere else. With that freedom comes responsibility, something that too may teens seem to leave out. It's easy to say "I want to do what I please" but what do you do to earn what you want? I mean in terms of parental trust - not money.

Saying "I'm 15" (or 16 or 17) and declaring to your parents that you will now do as you please is a ridiculous statement on it's face and more so when you think about how little one knows about anything at that age and how dependent most teenagers are on parental support.

Unfortunately, society does not support parents the way they once did. We give schools, social service agencies and courts far too much power over how parents raise children. It's become harder to discipline children properly and when they get to be teenagers, it can be a nightmare so many parents simply give up and let the kids do as they please. It's easier - but it's totally wrong.


Teens that are pregnant at 15, totally addicted to drugs, in jail for crimes or dead or maimed in a drunken car wreck at 16 or 17 are too often the result of parental non-involvment. Too late then.
Even if they escape something traumatic, the 'screw you' attitude they carry around will have eventually disastrous consequences.

As I stated; I'm making general observations here.
I can't judge individuals lives or family situations nor do I wish to do so.
I simply find your attitude all too typical and I think it's sad. Often, poor parental relationships result in poor adult (romantic) relationships and as I've stated, the rejection of any type of authority is self-defeating, at best. Hopefully, with time and experience you and others like you will mature in your outlook as others that contributed to this thread stated they did. Maybe not.

You were brave enough to give your opinion and I respect you for that, even if I (and everyone else) disagree with your premise that parents need to allow children of 15 or 16 to pretty much run wild so 'they'll learn how to be independent'. More likely, they'll learn to be bums.

Still, it's certainly been interesting and I'm very gratified by the response from all of our younger members. Way to go, people!

There really is hope for the next generation!


BTW: I edited your first post for spelling, grammar and formatting but decided to leave the rest as they were submitted. Enlightening.

[7000rpmisheaven]

Demon I wanted to give you my point of veiw. You want to here it cause I am a few years ahead of you. I was just like you. My parents were up my *** all day long and I was 150% rebel. I had once stole the car in the middle of the night and drove it to Illinois on a provisional drivers liscense, and I live in maryland. I had your same attitude. I don't want to preach to you or tell you that you need to starighten up. So please read my whole post. Don't worry I'll keep it short.
I just want to say that I had your same habits and same attitude. I would stay out all night and sometimes for days at a time. All I want to tell you in this post is how thinks worked out for me. We both know that no one is going to tell you how to live your life. We both know thats half the reason for your attitude.
I am going to turn 20 in a few months. A week after my 18th birthday I got kicked out. But I was happy. I had no trouble living on my own. I quit school and got full time job. It was the best and worst thing that could have happened. I could do whatever I wanted. But i found that i needed money to do what i wanted. I found that i had to work extra hard to get the money i needed. it is hard to find a decent job without that diploma.

To get to the point. When I was your age a few years ago I swore that my parents were wrong and that I was right. I swore that I would never feel like the things I did were wrong. Demon I am telling you "I told you so" now. Because sometime in the future you will say that they were right all along. Someday you will see that in there place you would have done no different.

I give no advice on how you should act. But I do wish you luck that everything will turn out ok eventually.

There is a saying "When I was 18 my parents knew nothing. When I was 21 I was astonished by how much they had learned it just 3 years"