[silver_pilate]

I've thought about this before, and I always seem to come to the same answers....

Being broke sucks...believe me...I know. But you can get through it. Somehow...some way, you can get what you need to survive.

Death doesn't bother me all that much. If I die at a young age...I hope that I at least made some impact on someone's life, but I'm not going to worry myself to a frazzel over it. It's beyond my control for the most part. We can all live sensibly and with common sense to avoid a premature death, but some things we have absolutely no control over. Also, I know where I'm going when I die. I know some of you guys and gals aren't religious people, and I respect your opinions, but I know what I believe, and I hold onto a promise made to me by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Being permanantly disabled or very ill is also a scary proposition, but again, there is little or nothing that you can do to avoid it.

I heard a saying once. When you get on a plane, one of two things will happen: the flight will go smoothly or it won't. If it goes smoothly, there's nothing to worry about. If it doesn't go smoothly, one of two things will happen: it will land safely or it will crash. If it lands safely, there's nothing to worry about. If it crashes, one of two things will happen: you will either live or you will die. If you live, it's all good and there's nothing to worry about. If you die, you can't worry anymore so there's no since worrying in the first place.

All that being said, I guess my worst fear in this life is being alone. I'm a person who feels very deeply but rarely lets anyone know what's going on inside. I've got a great poker face. I want someone who I can share my deepest feelings and love with who will return the favor. I've been in relationships that were one sided, and I ended up getting used up and burned out. I want someone whom I can love who will love me back with the same desperate and complete abandon. I've always been a family oriented person. I want to be a father...to raise my children and teach them the truths of life. I want to be a husband...to provide for my wife and children and to do all the little things that make life great. I want to be loved. I guess we all do, in some way, shape, or form. I know that God can speak through the desires of our hearts, and I know that God has created me with these feelings that are rooted in the very essence of who I am.

I hope to God that I'll find the right person someday. As of now, I always seem to end up like Ed on TV. He's well respected, everybody likes him, he's everybody's friend...but he has no one to love him. I know it's just a TV show, but that's how I feel sometimes. The girl I was seeing just wants to be friends for now with maybe a chance for something later on. I know she respects me, but I don't want to just be respected. I want to be the ONE person for ONE person.

Ah well...I read back over this and think about how mushy it sounds...oh well. Not having anything to do of an afternoon makes for a lot of time to think. I'll tell you this. Silence and idleness are my enemies. I have to do something, or my mind starts to think on things that just plain depress me. But I don't really have anyone to hang out with up here...don't know that many people yet. I think I just need to go and drive my car really fast right now.

Take care and God bless...and excuse this rambling mass of text....

--nathan