[Mr 5 0]

Skyler:

I'm so sorry to read this sad news. You certainly have our sympathy and in most cases, our empathy, too. Many of us have been in a similar situation at one time or another and know a bit about how you feel.

I'll offer this: you both got together at a very young age (yes, 17/18 is young) and have had four-plus years together and now have lots of 'history' together. Unfortunately, after over four years together she is 'used' to you and knows all your flaws and faults as well as your many good points, I'm sure. Neither one of you are 'mysterious' or 'special' to the other anymore, just what you are, which I assume is good people and that you are still attracted to one another or you would have parted years ago. That said, at 21, a girl is grown-up and she has a perfect right to wonder where her relationship is going. She wants the security of marriage and like most of us guys, you're not quite ready for that at age 22. I get that - but she probably doesn't. So, she starts thinking that since you're not on her wavelength and - in HER opinion - you don't 'care enough' about her to want to marry her and start a family, she starts looking at you differently, and not in a good way.

Enter the office stud. He sees an attractive and vulnerable young woman, discontented with her long-term boyfriend and ready to be flattered and seen as 'special' again. He makes his moves and she responds because this is what she needs right now. The specifics are just drama. The point is that she again realizes that she is attractive and desirable to other men - and her ego soars - while you appear to be unsupportative, critical and refuse to commit to her for life. No wonder she decides 'the grass is greener'. This often happens to men after five or ten years of marriage, too. Some office flirt flatters them and next thing you know they're either having an affair or going through the Yellow Pages looking for divorce attorneys.

I don't have specific advice for you except that she may just have to go through this new awakening (and new boyfriend) to appreciate you, and that may not even happen. It depends on how well or poorly the 'new' guy treats her. If he uses her and dumps her and you're still there to take her back, that may do it for good and she'll never leave you again. Unfortunately, even if she gets hurt, she may decide that you're just not marriage material and decide to keep moving on. Not what you want to hear, I know, but I've seen it happen to friends. Women want to be wanted and they want to be married, as a rule (there are always exceptions). They need TLC and that means flattery and made to feel 'special'. A bit late for all that now but if you manage to get her back, you will have to make an honest decision on marriage (yes or no, not a five year stall) and decide if this is the woman you really want to spend the rest of your life with. You're young and we all change from our teens to our early twenties and in ten years, you'll be a quite different guy, I can assure you. This may not be the woman you want to marry and that is something you'll need to look at, honestly, once you get past your misery and sadness at her decision to end a long relationship.

If you never get back together it may be for the best. Teenage lovers don't always make the best marriage partners. Things change - for both of you. If you really think she's the only one in the world for you, go win her back. Do what it takes - but don't lie or try to be someone you're not to do it. She'll know you're lying or faking if you do and resent it, big-time. Just examine your heart and your feelings honestly and you'll know what to do. Forget about 'confronting' the new guy. That's a waste of time and could destroy any chance you have of reconcilation with your erstwhile girlfriend as well as land you in legal trouble. Just threatening the guy is a crime, even if you never touch him.

Like everyone here, I feel bad for your loss and not wish you the best but really hope it works out for you both, whatever is ultimately decided between you and your girlfriend.