[Skyman]

I sincerly thank you guys all so much for what youve written, and its really flattering almost how much time you took to put in your comments on my situation. Jim/Mr 5.0 I think your dead on on a lot of things there and those were things she expressed to me as well. We went to a counselor as I jsut wanted to help get my feelings straight, and we are going again separate next week and then together in a month. Yesturday morning we talked a lot and I remind myself that I am not mad at her, no one can control their feelings and you can't be mad at them for what they want. Ive done everything to keep 100% honest and open communication between us both, and I think thats been very helpful in the situation. I let loose on her every single feeling I've had, and let her know I dont want her anymore, I want her to go. I hung out with her best friend almost all day yesturday and talked for a long time, it was nice having another girls insight on things. Breanne (my ex) said she felt unappreciated and she would clean the house and I wouldnt notice. Well of course I would I guess I just never made the effort to commend her for her work, which I recognize now is a great thing to do. But theres a flip side to that, in many ways I felt unappreciated as well. I paid 100% of the rent for the duration of our living together. Not the initial arrangement we made, or what I wanted. We initially set she would pay 1/3 I would pay 2/3 as I have a larger income than she does. She was struggling to get out of debt the last year and I kept paying 100% in efforts to help he rise above that, and I even gave her $1900 over time to pay down those credit cards. One of her complains was that I nagged her daily about money. I did. Because I felt like I was sacrificing and saving, and not buying the things I wanted in efforts to save for OUR future, while I didnt see her making the same sacrifies, and not making much progress on her debt. She's young and has not gone through what I went through in debt, so I have a different perspective. I had $22,000 in cc debt when I was 20 years old, which I am finally out from undernow.

As we talked yesturday morning I assured her constantly that I would be there for her in anyway, and listen to her feelings while trying not to let my emotions get in the way, but to be there as a true honest friend. We talked a lot, adn she told me she went out with him again, and hoped in every way that things would go wrong, and she would have a bad time. But she kissed him and everything was exaclty what she didnt want. She had lots of fun, and the kiss was great etc. I already figured this was happening, and I have no anger hearing about it... One thing this has taught me is that you must be honest 100% of the time. Never burry your feelings, no one in the world will ever be mad at you for the truth.

So last night she calls me, says shes done a lot of talking and thinking with her mom all night and wants to try and work things out. Quite different from what went on that morning. Well I did a lot of thinking and talking all day and finally came to grips that I don't want her back, now atleast, maybe later, we'll see where things go. Of course there was a side of me that wanted her to come back right then and there, as nights at the house are very lonely alone, and everything reminds me of her. But I believe firmly she needs to go find herself, find out what she wants, and fully explore the feelings that caused this breakup. When and if we do come back together there will have to be a lot of things worked out that were slowly swept under the rug before.

Lastly it hurts me feeling that I wasnt fun enough that someone would walk out after so long with out sitting down and having some seroius talk about it. I wouldnt do that now, but I did once in the past, so I cannot blame her. I can't be a hippocrit. I have to understand that she may not be where I am mentally and emotionally in terms of maturity and, will have to go through the ropes to get there. I've now taken my blinders off and see in more ways than one that we were different that ignored in the past.

Im still very confused. Two parts of me wants two different things.

-Skyler

P.S. I'll be back on the board a lot more, its nice knowing everyone that posts.

Again, its really nice to read the sincere posts from you all.