Good Reading For Ricers

[NateDogg]

Have you ever wanted to argue with muscle car owners and assert the
superiority of your own car, but found this to be difficult because you had
a slow car, relatively little automotive knowledge, and underdeveloped
communications skills? Well, now you can still get V8 owners angry anyway,
by following these simple rules which cover most of the situations you may
find yourself in during online or face to face arguments.

1. Image
Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make
every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many
people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more
than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful
force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible.

2. Opinions
In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that
Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a
whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look
up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up.

3. Horsepower
To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in
the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate
the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and
deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods.
Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in
an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has,
assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you
only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it
to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck.
You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this
is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000
makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these
comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient
just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology.
If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about
what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a
Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had
only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up
with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these
remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars.
Concentrate on V8's instead.

4. Weight
Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, including Eclipses and
Supras. Extremely lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata are exceptions.
These should be assumed to weigh under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh
over 3,200 lbs at least, preferably over 3,800 lbs. The exceptions are
really huge cars, such as the Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts
should be assumed to weigh over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions
something which you have no choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make
fun of whatever POS he's come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind
would want to be seen in something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos.
Never, ever actually look up the curb weight of a car. If you make up your
own weight figures, you can make the difference in weight look all that much
more impressive. Constantly brag about power to weight ratios and how
imports are better in that respect, even if somebody does the math and
proves that many stock domestics have better power to weight ratios than
your car.

5. Handling
Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars
handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith;
you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to
bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with
drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point.
If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how
solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at
that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also
emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight.
Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and
neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight
distribution.

6. Milage
Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is
one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than
muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much
about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so with a
modern fuel injected pony car, so claim without proof that their cars really
get 16 mpg or worse. Assume that older big block muscle cars get less than
one mile per gallon. Always use city mileage estimates for domestics, and
highway mileage estimates for imports, to make the gap seem as large as
possible.