Financial terms explained.

[The Deuce]

MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED: (Part 1 of 3)
EBIT—earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO—chief embezzlement officer.
CFO—corporate fraud officer.
NAV—normal Anderson valuation.
P/E—parole entitlement.
EPS—eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET—A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET—A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED: (Part 2 of 3)
MOMENTUM INVESTING—The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING—The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO—The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER—What my broker has made me.
“BUY, BUY” - - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR—Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST—Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED: (Part 3 of 3)
STOCK SPLIT—When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally...between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER—A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION—The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW—The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO! -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo @$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR—Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT—Religious guy who talks to God.