It's Not Working Anymore!!!

[Rice Hunter]

Ok, I normally ask my friends for advice, but since I am the most mature one, I can't really turn to them for this.

Preface: I'm only 22, my girlfriend is only 21

We have been together for over 5 1/2 years, last year of highschool til now. She said she wanted to be engaged during her senior year at PSU. Well, yup, that year is here... gulp!! I gave her a 'promise ring' or pre-engagement ring a year ago, but it's kinda not working anymore. We love eachother, but damn... getting engaged. I don't know. Med school is expensive and stressful, and has been known to break up good relationships. I kinda wanted to feel it out for my first year and then propose. I don't think she'll wait that long... ADVICE??????? PLEASE! Thanks guys, and hopefully girls too!

[tireburner163]

Originally posted by Rice Hunter
I kinda wanted to feel it out for my first year and then propose. I don't think she'll wait that long...

Ok, I'm not love expert, nor to I claim to be, but if she won't wait for you do you really want to marry her? Just tell her how you feel, explain to her about Med. school etc.

[Rice Hunter]

Tried that, but it still comes up. She is getting more impatient. I mean.. she really loves me, and you can say "if she really loves you" but she wants to figure out what she will be doing for the next few years... it's complicated: but sum it up... we have talked about it and found no solution by ourselves.

[jj_jonathon]

you gotta talk to her...always...and if you arent ready after talking to her, theres nothing wrong with continuing to wait...

EDIT: I just saw you responded..so what you need to do is just wait....or do a long engagement...you can be engaged for years...nothing wrong with it...

[MEDIK418]

Anyone who's been together for that long has to have something going but, it sounds like this is some kind of agenda you're on. . .hers! My wife and I were engaged for 6 years and it finally came down to my giving her the ultimatum that we either get married or go our separate ways. Our problem was that we still weren't sure about the future and guess what, nobody is. We just had to make ourselves stop making excuses and get on with it. One way or the other.
If you're already having second thoughts, getting engaged will only make the feelings stronger, for better or worse. Any trepidation you have will turn to regret and you really don't want to be in a relationship where you regret any part of it. I agree, if she can't wait, then maybe it's not meant to be.
You're in a hard spot with this one. If you tell her you want to wait, all she's likely to hear is "I really don't want to do this" You mentioned med school. Do you think there might be a chance she wants to be married to a doctor her senior year or to you. Harsh words, and I apologize if it sounds mean spirited because I don't mean to be but I hate to see people make mistakes of this caliber when they're just getting started in life.
Good luck

[PKRWUD]

Awesome reply, MEDIK418!!!

What he said.

Take care,
~Chris

[Rice Hunter]

Originally posted by MEDIK418

You mentioned med school. Do you think there might be a chance she wants to be married to a doctor her senior year or to you. Harsh words, and I apologize if it sounds mean spirited because I don't mean to be but I hate to see people make mistakes of this caliber when they're just getting started in life.
Good luck

No, no. No need to apologize. I have been facing that for a while too. People jokingly called me her cash cow... She was with me before I even thought about becoming a doctor, but there is no denying that she would love to be married to a doctor (or student doctor). Her love is from before my career, but I also wonder about some of the current motives. I tell myself I'm too suspicious or I think too much.

Hey everyone, thanks for the advice. Thanks for the concern MEDIK418!

[Mustangmom2k]

It's always hard to respond to these kinds of questions without knowing the people involved, but here goes:

What's her hurry? On the one hand, if she can't wait, maybe you want to reconsider. Without knowing her reasons for being in a hurry, it's hard for me to advise you. On the other hand, you've been together this long, so why wait?

As stated above, if you're waiting for things to "get straight", forget it. Life always has yet another project, event, or upcoming goal to meet. In that sense, you'll never "get straight" or have the ideal timing. There is no such thing. Therefore, you should go for it now (if you're basing the wait on finishing anything.)

When I met my husband, we were in the Air Force. We knew each other 3 months, then got married. I remember thinking, "My God, what am I doing?! Am I out of my mind?" But I was happy and in love, and we both had orders to transfer to separate bases soon. Because of that, we were in a hurry. I jumped in with both feet and have never looked back. We just celebrated our 22 anniversary last Friday!

So, if there's a good reason to be in a hurry, then go for it now! If not, then waiting is not necessarily a bad idea, but waiting too long usually backfires. Also, waiting for the wrong reasons will backfire, too (finish school, get that promotion, etc.).

I don't know. Tough call here. Good luck!

[1969Mach1]

All I really have to say is you got to think, you have around the next 50 years of your live to spend with this girl. Is 1 year going to make a difference? I think I would rather wait 1 year and take the chance of loosing her, then be unhappy for 50 years. If she truely loves you, she will understand. Yes I know you relised that. But love works both ways, both people must make sacrafices. It's not like your saying you don't want to marry her anymore, just life is busy so I believe she should also let you prepare for the future. It's a long road ahead, don't rush into it, because then you can only expect bad things to come, like a divorce. My suggestion, is try to talk to her. I'm sure if you have been with her this long, she will understand. Ask her what will happen if you wish to wait a year and see what her response is.

I wish you the best luck in school, and with love.
§am.

[WADS56]

I am going to go the other way on this one. You guys have been together for a long time so the time has come.
What it boils down to is can you see your self with her for the rest of your life? If you can just because you would be engaged dosn't mean that you still can't do your thing. If she loves you she will support you in all you do, and not drag you down. You will be closer and a better team because you will be planning your life and hers together as one.
If you can't see yourself with her let her know. She earned your honesty.... right?

Ok, I have to go find my penis now.

[vetteeatr]

Ok here we go.....

I would first like to make a little disclaimer.
People change or they werent what you thought they were.

Now onward...

Basically this is what i think more then likely you will eventually you will get a divorce. Great to hear huh?

But statistcs show this is just reality and it keeps getting worse.

I am as well very paranoid and have even some good reasons to be as of late. I woudl be scared to death to have alto of money jstu for the fact i knwo how common peopel are to take advantage and "hitch a ride". Probally one of my worst fears.

Im not saying this is what she is doing though...

This is how im looking at life at the moment at 20 and i belvie alot of peopel are actually.

Live it up have fun with girls or your girl in this case. If you dont want to dont get married or engaged. There are a million fish int eh sea and im sure there will be others liek your current girlfriend is now maybe not identical but how much worse or better could they be?

Also supposedly things change alot when everythign is more standard with 9-5 jobs and your life changes you get tired and loaf around the house or somethign else.

Chances are neither one fo you are gonna be the same.

I would maybe get engaged if its that big of a deal to her but she can live with you for a few years or a year or 2 after you become a doctor and hten both of you will know if oyu will be happy together wiht taht situatuion.

Thats the safest way i can think and probally wisest.

If the girl is not after you for you money and truely loves (5 1/2 year is a pretty long time) then your a lucky guy.

Good Luck

[1969Mach1]

Originally posted by WADS56
I am going to go the other way on this one. You guys have been together for a long time so the time has come.
What it boils down to is can you see your self with her for the rest of your life? If you can just because you would be engaged dosn't mean that you still can't do your thing. If she loves you she will support you in all you do, and not drag you down. You will be closer and a better team because you will be planning your life and hers together as one.
If you can't see yourself with her let her know. She earned your honesty.... right?

Ok, I have to go find my penis now.

lol your wife must of mushed you up real good when you bought that house. lol j/k with you. You made a very very good defeinsive point. Well said.

§am.

[WADS56]

Originally posted by 1969Mach1
lol your wife must of mushed you up real good when you bought that house. lol j/k with you. You made a very very good defeinsive point. Well said.

§am.

I know... I just read that again and I can't believe that i just said that. I need a beer or something

[PKRWUD]

Originally posted by WADS56
I am going to go the other way on this one. You guys have been together for a long time so the time has come.
What it boils down to is can you see your self with her for the rest of your life? If you can just because you would be engaged dosn't mean that you still can't do your thing. If she loves you she will support you in all you do, and not drag you down. You will be closer and a better team because you will be planning your life and hers together as one.
If you can't see yourself with her let her know. She earned your honesty.... right?

Ok, I have to go find my penis now.

Dude.

Wow. Just when you think you know a guy.

Wow.

Take care,
~Chris

[srv1]

i say dont let a piece of paper rule your life. love has nothing to do with that piece of paper as much as you may think. if she cant wait for you a little longer, then she is being selfish and only thinking of her needs not yours. i say YOUR TOO DAMN YOUNG!!!! Whats the hurry? you have your WHOLE life ahead of you. i would tell her she will have to wait. if she didnt agree, just say "It has been great over the years. Take care of yourself". trust me, dont get married right yet!! you WILL regret it when you find yourself 15 years from now you didnt do what you wanted to do when you were young.

good luck on your decisions.

[6T9PONY]

It's all about compromise.....

Everyone knows that guys never want to get married....

Everyone also knows that chicks want to get married right away....

If give in and marry her, just make her wait a year or two. That's a hell of a compromise....

Just joking....But I think srv1's post is right on target. I agree with him.

[Conman]

glad I'm not the only one in this situation

I too have a girlfriend of a long time (3 years) that wants to get married. I am 22 and finishing my last year of school. She has one more year. I've been avoiding that sh*t like the plague, haven't even given her a "promise ring". I'm waiting till I finish and get a job because I will probably move somewhere else. If things work out and we are still together then we may get married but as of now I'm living the life being young.

I'll make you a deal Rice Hunter, if you don't get married I won't get married either

Conrad

[Rice Hunter]

Hey thanks everyone, I read all your posts and considered the possiblities.

So the big conversation came up last night. Dun-dun-dunnnnn! (melodramatic music)

I brought up some of your points that you have made on the forum and guess what? She said that now probably isn't the best time to get engaged anyway. So we'll be same as always for now, she said not only is it a HUGE step but she's way too busy to consider such things right now (22.5 credits!!!). Ok, change of heart.

So, thank you everyone, I appreciate all your help and concern.. and Conrad: haha, it's a deal buddy.. this means you don't have to get married! ......(yet)