Is it wrong not to take your gf/bf to a party?

[Stang_Crazy]

I got into a argument with my girlfriend tonight. She thinks that now that I'm 21, (she's 18) I won't give her attention.

I say that if she wants attention, she should go somewhere else.

I've been with her for over 2 years and I think that when you're with someone for that long you should trust that person. I shouldn't have to come home and tell her where I've been and who I've been with and until what time.

Who else feels like I do?

Why should you have to take your girlfriend with you? Isn't it nice to get away?

[Topless In Texas]

ooh.
She's your girlfriend of 2 years but you tell her if she wants attention to go somewhere else?? If I was her, that would make me feel REALLY bad!! Not that you needed to take her to the party, but just tell her maybe that you wanna go out w/ the guys or something. And that you will spend some time with her at another time. Especially after 2 years. If I was w/ someone for 2 years and they told me that, I would be very upset.
She probably wouldn't have a problem w/ you going out w/out her, it might just be in the way you approach it. That is just coming from a womans point of view.
It's not that she doesnt trust you., but I would just be alittle more sensitive to her feelings.
Maybe she is saying she wants more attention from you because she's feeling like she feels like she hasn't really gotten any lately???
I'm not dogging you out AT ALL!!!!!! There is NOTHING WRONG w/ you wanting to get out w/ out her. But the way you approach it can make ALL the difference!!!!! . Really.. just let her know that you enjoy your time together, but you want a little time w/ the guys....see if that doesn't make a difference!!!!!
Good luck to you and I hope ya'll work it out! Hope you dont mind my female p.o.v. and I hope it helps you some ! After I read your post, I had to tell you what I was thinking from a females point of view... I cant speak for the guys..,.I do hope its helpful to you to understand.... Hope yu work it out!!!!

[Mr 5 0]

Stang_Crazy:

"If she wants attention she should go somewhere else".
You really said that? Oh boy.

Let me pass along some hard-earned information:
Women do want attention. Sometimes a lot, sometimes just a little but they want and need to know you are interested in and care about them, especially after two years 'together'. I'll bet you gave this girl a lot more attention the first few months you were dating.

The problem with dating someone at 16 and keeping it going for two years (or longer) is that one or the other gets bored and starts taking the other person for granted, leading to break-ups and hurt feelings. This looks a lot like your scenario.

It's not just about going to some party or telling her what time you got home. It's not even about trust anymore. It sounds as if she really is worried about losing you as you mature and her fears take the form of badgering you about who, where, when, etc when you aren't with her.

It's a dumb way to keep you but she obviously doesn't know what else to do so take it as a signal and don't get mad or annoyed but understand that your long-time girlfriend has feelings and fears as well as hopes and dreams. She's not a buddy, she's a girlfriend - and she's 18. She needs to know you still want her and care about her. Tell her and more importantly, show her.

If, on the other hand, you just consider her a buddy with long hair and soft skin, then decide where you want the relationship to go and if you just want her as a handy date sometimes, be a man and tell her so; don't string her along and cause a lot of tears and arguments. Let her go.

Either way, you need to think hard about this girl and what you feel (or don't) for her and what you expect from the relationship. Then, you guys need to talk, seriously.

[mustangdani55]

Stang_ Crazy

Dude, go back and reread what topless and Mr 5 0 said. Then Son..Take it to heart. Cause they both said what I wanted to. They both word things better than I do.

[Rob23]

All girls want is attention

[7000rpmisheaven]

All she wants is some attention. It could be worse. Some girls want money and popularity and marriage and kids and ...... well you get the idea.

[Capri306]

Okay, I'm going to agree with the rest of the gang here. Girls LOVE attention, just like any other human beings. If you can't give her the attention she needs, I suggest you evaluate your relationship with her and move along if it's not worth it. Having a relationship is a system of costs and rewards. The cost of nearly any normal relationship is time & attention. I'd think if you've been with this chick this long that you'd be flattered that she still wants your attention. Most girls just go out and find it elsewhere without a word; my guess is that she really digs you for letting you know what's up.

I shouldn't have to come home and tell her where I've been and who I've been with and until what time.

Yeah, this is because 1)You're 21, and 2)she's 18. Sorry, but just when you're becoming your own person, she's trying to hang on to whatever she's got (well, at least most girls I know, at 18, do this). Remember when your mom used to ask you the same questions? Mebbe because both of them....'love' you?

I'm not one to judge relationships, and it's none of my biznitch, but you're 21 and she's 18? I think you might be asking for trouble. Seems that just around these ages, even if there's only a year of difference, there's bound to be some problems like these. A couple years back, my gf at the time was still in high school and I was finishing up my first year of college. The same thing, the time & attention issue, came up more often than anything. Hence, we are no longer. I really wish things had worked out better (partly because I know the situation she's in now, poor thing), but I did what I thought was best at the time. Like Mr 5.0 said, a relationship in your late-teens/early-20's that goes on that long can cause a LOT of unnecessary tears if you string it along. Think about it FIRST, then TELL HER how you feel. Just be honest to her and yourself, and where you want to go from here. Good luck.

p.s. right on again, Jim.

[Mustangbelle306]

Originally posted by Stang_Crazy
I got into a argument with my girlfriend tonight. She thinks that now that I'm 21, (she's 18) I won't give her attention.

I say that if she wants attention, she should go somewhere else.

I've been with her for over 2 years and I think that when you're with someone for that long you should trust that person. I shouldn't have to come home and tell her where I've been and who I've been with and until what time.

Who else feels like I do?

Why should you have to take your girlfriend with you? Isn't it nice to get away?

Wow dude...be careful your age is showing...BIG TIME. I really pity you, that you have settled to stay with someone that it actually feels "nice" to get away from them. If I ever lost my passion for romance and desire for love to this point, I think I'd jump off a cliff. I see nothing but unhappy relationships for you in the future with an attitude like this

Its threads like these that make me happy I waded through all the people that weren't right for me until I met the one that I couldn't live without...I don't feel "nice" when he's away. in fact I'm miserable.

So, to answer your question...NO. I wouldn't go to a party without him, because I wouldn't have a good time...

[Stang_Crazy]

uh oh... Looks like things didn't come out the way I intended them to.

It's not that I don't give her attention...it's that she is VERY insecure about herself so I always have to be there to keep her confidence up.

As far as giving her attention in the past...that's all I've done. She has been my life for the last 2 years. The proof of this is that I no longer hang out with any of my friends. Hell, I haven't even talked to any of them in like 6 months!!

I have given every minute to her but at the same time, I also lost my friends.

When her and I used to go out, it wouldn't be for ong because she never liked any of my friends.

I guess what I'm tying to say isthat it would be nice to go out to a bar or club and not have to sit at home and re-assure her that nothing is wrong and that I won't cheat on her while I'm out. She always thinks I'll cheat because I caught her 3 seperate times cheating on me. Bu that's a whole different story...

[Mr 5 0]

Stang_Crazy:

Well now it's a totally different situation from the one you originally presented. Very different.

You say that you've given this insecure teen-age girl your constant full-time attention over the past two years but it cost you other friendships and you resent it. Oh, and she cheats on you.

Hmmmm. Where to start?

This girl sounds like a poor choice for a continued relationship. The repeated cheating on her part would be a guaranteed reason for me to say 'good-bye' since I was never very good at being used.

Even without that 800 pound gorilla factored in to the situation her insecurity is going to become a constant problem for you both, as you already can see. Jealousy and mistrust don't make a relationship grow, much less thrive.

Judging by what you're stated here I can't see what this relationship really has to recommend it unless it's a pure sexual thing, which I assume it isn't as you've never mentioned that aspect.

At 21, it would seem to be time for you to move on and find someone at least faithful to you and hopefully mature and self-confident enough to be a partner and a friend; not some insecure, needy teen-age cheater who demands constant attention and lays down guilt trips when you leave her for an evening.

I bet you can do better; I would certainly try.

[Mustangbelle306]

Wait...so you stayed with her for TWO years, after she cheated on you THREE times? Somehow...I get the feeling she isn't the only insecure one. I take my first post back..I have no pity for those that make their own bed, then complain because they have to lay in it. The only person that can improve your life is YOU...dump the cheating broad.

P.S....I try not to make broad statements when I only hear one side of the story, but there is NO excuse for infidelity.

[Red514LX]

To directly answer your question, it is not wrong if you decide not to take your girlfriend to a party. I had a situation come up about a month back where I got myself into what I thought was a bad situation but my gf made it easy for me.

Originally, I was invited to a party with some fellow med students. I accepted and asked if I could bring the gf and the throwers of the party said that would be great. So I go and invite the gf and she accepts.

Well, as party time neared (about 4 days before) I decided that I would feel more comfortable if I just went by myself. I told this to my gf 3 days before the party (thus what I was really doing was un-inviting her). I thought she would be upset, etc. but she had absolutely ZERO problem with it. She gave me no flack, or yelling, or anything at all. This was a party that she did want to go to and when I chickened out from bringing her along she had no problem with my late decision.

Now, my gf is in her mid 20s, is done w/ college, has a stable job, etc. She is a mature, confident, and obviously very understanding person. I have dated the 19-21 year olds and every one of them was an extremely immature pain in the arse -- generally they were a waste of my time.

Unfortunately, I feel that this is just the way things go. It simply takes some people longer to mature, get some confidence, and act like an adult. Some people never do learn, though.

The way I see it, you have three choices:

(1) Stay with your current gf and hope that she matures up a bit, stops cheating on you behind your back, and things generally will get all better again

(2) Break up and stay single. You know, to be honest with you, being single isn't all that bad. Society tries to make it look like it's a bad thing but there are a lot of advantages to being single. There's also NOTHING wrong with being single.

(3) Break up and meet a more mature woman. This is a definite possibility and a good one. I am just 2 years older than you and I am dating an older gal. Just from 6 months experience I can tell you that I'd hesitate to date a girl younger than 24 because the difference in maturity is huge!

Lastly I want to say that I think you need to get back in touch with your friends. **The right girl will want you to stay in touch with your friends** Yes, that's right. A selfish, immature girl will say "pay me attention" However, a mature woman who really cares about you and your life will want you to go out with your friends.

My advice based on the info you provided: break up, immediately and don't get back together. She's cheated on you, she's manipulated you into spending more time with her abandoning your friends, and it sounds to me like she has zero concern or respect for your personal life.

The very bright side of this story is that you are only 21. You have sooooo much more time to go out and meet other people. So go out and meet 'em.

[Topless In Texas]

Hey Stang Crazy!!
GEESSH....Yah, that definetely turns the tables a little bit...sounds like you've gave yourself AND your independance to your g/f for the past 2 years, and she is taking advantage of it...It also sounds to me that you really do care for her alot. Just my gut feelling from what you said in your last post.
Being on the 'insecure' side myself...I have been in that 'untrustful' state MANY times over the past 20+ years...its really hard and hard to control. Not that I"m trying to defend her mistrust for you by any means....Its something that is within, that can defenitey destroy a relationship.
Your a good man for sticking w/ her after she was busted 3 times w/ someone else. I dont know many that would do that. It sounds like you could probably meet someone who can enjoy you AND your friends.. and there is no reason that ya'll cant party together(unless she hates your friends, and hates you being around them, of corse!)
Your kind of stuck in a hard place now...Like Mr. 5 0 said...guess its time for you to sit down and evaluate the situation and find out exactly what you want out of this relationship and If its is the one you see for yourself in the future, or a dead end!
Good luck to you dude...And dont feel guilty!!!! Go spend some time with your friends....you will be glad you did!!!

[Stang_Crazy]

Wow, I couldn't have asked for better advice. Everyone is providing very good points.

not some insecure, needy teen-age cheater who demands constant attention and lays down guilt trips when you leave her for an evening

Sadly, this is a perfect description of her. This weekend, I have to do some thinking by myself because for the first time, I have this feeling that she isn't "the one". It's just hard because this is my first serious relationship and it's hers too. She's all I have ever known and it's really hard to let that go.

Red514LX : You bring up a very good point about dating older women. It would be nice to have someone a little more mature.

I'll let everyone know how it went next week. I'll either be single or still attached. Thank you to everyone who has provided advise. Sometimes, a point doesn't get through my head unless I hear it from someone else.

[Mustangbelle306]

Originally posted by Red514LX

Society tries to make it look like it's a bad thing but there are a lot of advantages to being single.

I completely disagree. I think its quite the opposite...whenever I broke up with a boyfriend, I was encouraged to stay single, because people in college are supposed to party, "live it up", all that good BS.

However, now that I am almost 21, met and am engaged to the love of my life, its usually met with the "aren't you a bit young?"and similar comments that are a complete waste of my time. Turn on MTV or most sitcoms and you will see a portrayal of the single life as a more glamourous one, and usually show the married male as unhappily tied down and constantly searching for other outlets. Really sad, if you ask me. I say, whichever way you are happy

I also beg to differ with the age indicates maturity comment. I was more mature in high school than many of the girls I attend college with. They are insecure, unsure of what they want, and many are reckless with their bodies and their safety. I really feel that maturity is something you can only measure on a case by case basis. Of course not every college girl is like this, but neither is every older woman necessarily more mature. If you do choose to part ways, keep your mind open and hopefully you will eventually meet someone that will treat you a bit better then your current significant other. Good luck!

[Red514LX]

Mustangbelle306,

I understand where you are coming from and I agree with the points you've made. I could give examples that support my point (i.e., dating service advertisements, movies like "The Family Man", etc.). In the end, I guess it's all in how you see it. I know a few of my guy friends are NOT happy being single and they do want a steady gf so that tells me something also. Like I said, though, your point is well taken and correct as are mine.

I think age, more often than not (so greater than 50%), is without a doubt a good idicator of maturity. This applies to men and women alike. I don't have any scientific studies to back my claim up but that's what I believe. However, as with many things in life, it's bad to lump everyone into a category based only on age. As you said, take it on a case by case basis and that's definitely the right way to go.

Just my person opinions here but I don't believe women really mature completely until a few years after college, where they have a job, and are living on their own, etc.

For men, well, it seems that men don't mature up until their late 20s. Even after college, when they have a career, apt. etc. there seems to be a period of 6 years or so where they still want to be players.

Of course, these are very broad statements and certainly do not apply to all people. However, I bet it applies to a bunch.

[Mustangbelle306]

Yeah, I think you're more right than I am. I guess the reason I grew up more quickly was because I moved out right after high school, and haven't lived at home since...and had a full time job for a full year before going back to college. I think your take probably applies to waaaaay more than mine does.

I guess I just brought it up because I found myself generalizing guys for a while (not that they are all creeps) but by age, level of education, etc etc and I probably wrongly judged quite a few.

hehe I think the typical college maturity level should be classified somewhere between infancy and preschool

[Topless In Texas]

On the other hand....I"m 36. Recently single - after 15 years.

Sometimes its better to be single and happy then to stay in an unhappy relationship. I was 21 when I moved in with and then married the 'love of my life' at 22. Life is unpredictable, and NOTHING is certain, or forever....and single or married can't be stereotyped by what is seen on TV...that's not real life. And its not always the men that are unhappy in their relationships.

I agree w/ Red514LX completetely!!!
You have a LOT of wisdom for your age!! You're lucky to have the great relationship you have, but yet you can see the good points of being 'single' too! To me, that shows a lot of maturity - to be able to see the positive of both situations!
Neither is right - or wrong - all that matters is that one is TRULY HAPPY with where they are in their life, and I can say that the last year for me has been one of my happiest in a LONG time!!

Its a HUGE decision to make. But, in the long run you have to look out for yourself and do what makes you happy. There is nothing harder than being in an unhappy relationship.

Stang Crazy: You do what you feel like YOU need to do to make YOU feel good about yourself and your situation again...and only YOU can decide that. All we can do is give you input based on our own expieriences.....and everyones expieriences are TOTALLY different because of our ages, and our expieriences in life! Hopefully you can take bits and pieces of eveyone's post's and apply them to your situation, to help you realize where you want to be!!!

Good luck to ya! Topless

BTW: everyone here has great input...lets you see how many different types of situations there are and how others deal w/ them. This is a good thread.

[C Pony Go]

When I married my current wife I not only gave her use of my last name BUT also included her in my first name which many people tend to over look..such as Andy AND Dawn ,not Andy OR Dawn..

My wife is disabled now with severe Diabeties causing severe artery deterioration...reading the first of these posts at first worked me up in the sense that irregaurdless of marriage,you are a couple and each of you should WANT to shower eachother with respect and adroration...

When I go places,I want my wife to go since we are a team,she IS my best friend and I expect people to say to others of my /our presence at a function wheather or not Andy AND Dawn will be there not just Andy or not just Dawn..I am 44 and raised her two boys and I am their DAD..I just tears me up when kids look at dates as just some one to jump in the sack rather than seeing their partners for more and trying to enhance a relationship...yeah I know sometimes things don't work out but once you are married,you give 100% attention and devoetion and again-I know sometimes things fall short...

I would love to have a more physical relationship but because of her health it is not possible...BUT let me tell you all first hand that if try and give it Gods honest best you will be rewarded...I can't tell in words the feelings I have for her because its so different than what we are rasied beleiving. We have this bond,and the feelings are so awesome,even without sex involved, that we are enjoying life to the fullest...she won't live long and I can't say that I will be out looking for another sole mate cause I am putting so much into US that....I don't know! Like I said ,our relationship is so great we don't need anything else-we have eachother. My wife is still very attractive too me and others ..she looks nowhere her age and is often guessed as younger by up 10 years...we work hard for each other and thats the main lesson people should have from the start. If you want to be together,then you each need to find a pedestal to put eachother on....

just my 2 cents again..

[Topless In Texas]

That was AWESOME!!! That's What Life is ALL ABOUT!!!

We all have our soulmate out there. Some of us KNOW who they are, some are still looking.

I"m so happy for all of you who have found your's and for those are that have not found them yet...
they are out there. Just give it time. (Easier said than done at times!!!)

That post was incredible, Andy. Thanks for sharing it.

Topless