Problem with Love

[1969Mach1]

I need some advice or some ideas on what I can do on this situation - and look at it from my view and just don't say forget about her unless you can explain why you truely feel that way.
Ok here goes the story, it's rather long.

Things have been going a little rough with my g/f, but I was rather happy. We would have our little disputes, she would get mad at me for little things, but generally I was happy with our relationship.

My friend and I went up to her house on New Year's eve and her friend was there (for my friend to be with cause he liked her) and I was, of course, going to be with my g/f. We watched a movie (Pearl Harbor) and everything seemed pretty fine although I could tell that something was bothering her but nothing too serious; she is a girl, they go into these mood swings (Sorry ladies, most do not saying all, us guys do it too so don't get mad at me. ) Anyway, then she went through my wallet and found a peice of paper that was an advertisement to a strip club I went to last Februrary and it had a picture of a girl on it. She seen it before and burned the other one but I seemed to have another one in my wallet. Don't ask any questions about this. lol

But she knew it meant nothing to me and I didn't care for it whatsoever. To tell you the truth I wasn't even a big fan to go the strip club in the first place - that's not really my kinda thing but being a curious guy I decided to go but I went once and it was no big deal. But she was mad that I had the peice of paper in my wallet but she finally got over it and said everything was fine and we made up and out and she was fine. I went home and talked to her for a bit then went to sleep.

The next morning I went to my Grandma's for New Years Day dinner, just a little thing we do every year, so I got home around 7:00-7:30 and I went to check my email. She e-mailed me a video (through her webcam that I setup the day before New Years Eve) and told me her feelings weren't so strong as they were before and she was sorry but 'it wasn't working out and we should see other people' but - I also got a phone call and other messages saying she'd just panicked and didn't mean it. So we decided to go to the movies at 8:30, me racing like a bat out of hell to make it to the movies to see her.

Anyway I know during the movie she still felt the same way and she wanted to tell me but I wouldn't let her, it was like I was afraid to hear it again. I tried to ignore it or get her sidetracked and it seemed to go away and she was fine and back all over me like nothing was wrong. We went home and were talking on the phone and later that night/early morning she told me she still felt that way and was sorry but it wasn't working out.

Completely heartbroken that I was because she now broke up with me the day before our 6 month anniversary, I got 3 hours of sleep that night; I was in so much pain it wasn't even funny.

Anyway I woke up the next day and she felt bad and wanted me back but I said no, not tell I know this won't happen. She had to work and we already made plans for her to come over for dinner so we talked that night and I said not tell I know that this won't happen again and she said she couldn't promise me because she doesn't know how she'll feel a week from now, a month, and so forth. I said that wasn't good enough for me, and she said her feelings for me were 3.99 out of 4 so obviously it wasn't completely full so I am still assuming it was less then that and she was afraid to tell me.

So it's now the 5th and I still haven't taken her back and don't plan to for a bit cause I want to make sure this will work out. I can't handle this happening again.

But what do you think I should do? Should I take her back because she keeps begging me to take her back and I still love her so very much, she still means the world to me. I personally want to see how long she'll last, if she gives up on me after a few weeks then I know she wasn't too worried. I want to see if she gives up and goes out with another guy. If she does then the feelings weren't too strong for me still. It's really hard on my behalf cause I am a nice guy I feel like crap doing this to her. I just want to truly know how she feels about me.

Any advice in this situation or suggestions or comments?

Thanks guys for listening. I'm sure my grammer and spelling sucked but I'm tired and many things are going threw my head.

[SilverWing]

I know I don't post here much and you don't know me, so I hope you won't mind me replying.

I think you're doing the right thing. If her feelings are flip flopping like that, I think you two need some space for a while to evaluate feelings. She needs to be absolutely sure of how she feels before she decides to come back or leave for good.

[Mach 1]

well, breaking up is never easy, and time will heal all wounds.

It sounds like niether of you know what you want. I think if she wants to break up, the best thing to do is let her go. Dont put all the pressure on her of telling you if she is sure or not. people are married for years because they thought they were "sure" it was the right one and then they get divorced. People change.

If she wants you back, and you really like her and want her, go out with her. Maybe it will work out, maybe it wont. Dont lose sleep over it, its not worth it and wont change anything.

Just be prepared for the day she might leave you. This is good for you and will make you stronger because you should always be prepared for heartbreak, as it can happen to any one of us at anytime.

how old are you anyway?

[Dragpack]

I feel if she wants to go then set her free. If she comes back then it is ment to be. But MACH 1 is right she needs to gain your trust again. If you love her then see what happens. Take it slow and read her thoughts. It sounds like you can. "With a little luck we can make this whole damn thing work out." Sir Paul

[1969Mach1]

Thanks all the advince is appreciated. I am 17, so I am still very young which you'll say and for me not to worry about it. But it's easier said then done sometimes, especially the type of person I am. I don't like to be alone, and this is more the less the first real girlfriend. I got to see how it goes, and see what happens. I think I will take your advice I'm going to wait abit and if things seem like they are going good as friends we'll move it back to a relationship.

Thanks,
Take Care.

[FivepointOH]

I went through a similar situation... I would always take her back right away though..... 6 months later same thing would happen.... she ended up cheating on me twice while this was happening in a year period and I ended it for good and after a week went by it turned out she got over it and was a B!@ch to me. Glad I didn't try to take her back again cuz her true colors sure did come out and I was too blind to see it b4.

[1969Mach1]

Yeh, I see what your saying, but not all girls are alike. Just cause your ex-gf cheated on you I can't assume mine will do the same, although I know anything can happen. But that is why I am waiting alittle bit. I don't want her to think she can keep doing this and I will keep taking her back and she can always control and mess with my emotions like this. But I wish our relationship would be how we are taking our friendship right now. Like we still spend time together, and kiss every now and then, but we are more joking around. Like before I was afraid to say something to upset her in fear she would get mad at me or take it the wrong way and ruin the relationship, but now we joke around alot more and we're always happy and laughing. I just wish I knew how I could convert this to a good relationship. Well I think I'm still going to hold out and see how it goes for atleast a few more days.

Thanks Again,
§am

[Unit 5302]

She's still young, and you had suspiscions that she was flirting around with that other guy. I wouldn't take her back. Of course she's freaking out right now. Btw, the out of the blue "We're just not working" is a re-occuring thing with girls. Then within a day later they are all back and saying they just freaked out. I have no idea what spawns this ridiculous behavior, but it sure is annoying isn't it?

[6T9PONY]

The worst and best thing for you right now is time. I know that staying away from her and not taking her back is extremely hard. Been there--done that. It is a horrible feeling and is really hard when you see her. That's why is it about the worst thing for you right now. But, on the other hand, like Mach 1 said, time will heal all wounds. She will show how she really feels in a little bit of time. Give her a few weeks and see how she is acting towards you and other guys. If she's not paying as much attention to you and flirting with a bunch of other guys, in my opinion, it's not meant for you two to be together. And she would prove that to you by doing that.

I told you this once before. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

[blackfang]

I am going to post being i am going through what you are. My g/f (for 7 months) just broke up with me. We lived together w/another roomie, and had the same pt job together in a bar. DO NOT DO THIS PEOPLE! Ever since we started living their with our roomie Melissa(was a close friend) our relationship started to deteriorate. Melissa would pit us against each other so it was hard to decifer who was really right and who was being scapecoated. Anyway she ended up calling it quits. We are still friends. I wanted to try and work things out, being we both moved out. However she is not sure, and wants time. I told her hey take all the time you need. However, when you come back don't be shocked if i don't want you back. From my point of view and many female friends of mine, that is her way of playing the field, and keeping me as the backup. I am giving her the space she wanted. What she does with it is up to her. We loved each other.
Now for you. Do not take her back! She has no clue what she wants in you. Would you like it when people promise you money, give it to you, then take it away repeatedly? Thats what is going on. She is not ready for a relationship judgine on how she is acting. Give her space, and alot of it. A wise old saying i learned is this. "You don't know what you have until it's gone". Give her a reason to think that, and maybe it might help her to realize what she truly wants. Now if she does not want you then it is for the better, for both of you. Hope my rambling sheds some light into this whole ordeal.
Phil.

[Mr 5 0]

Sam/69Mach1:

Most of us have been throught this kind of situation at some time. 'She loves me-loves me not. It's really hard and I truly believe that it's harder on the guys. Although the girls cry a lot, guys hold it in and just tough it out - but it hurts us more, in my opinion.

I think you should let this one go but from what you've said, I suspect that you won't drop her unless she suddenly shows up with a new guy. ..which is possible although not probable.

She clearly gets bored and wants out of the relationship but then she panics over being alone and wants back in...until the next day. Enough! Playing this game (and it is a game) does neither you nor her any good. She is confused and you're hurt and neither seems to know how to 'fix' it. You can't.

This is often what happens at 16 and 17 when you 'love' other people but neither one is mature enough or experienced in life to really know what they want and how to deal with the opposite sex.
Do you really believe you'll marry this girl? Really? If not, why go through all this emotional stress at 17? There are other girls out there.

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, teen dating years should be for meeting different kinds of girls (or guys as the case may be) and by spending time together, finding out what you really want in a girl and how to treat and deal with them, as they learn how to do the same with guys.

The social pressure to make everyone a 'couple' immediately after puberty is insane and often leads to very confused teenagers who don't know what's up but yet have years of 'relationships' behind them, that come to nothing after all the tears, heartbreak and turmoil. Why? What was the point? By 25 you can't remember the name of some girl that had you losing sleep and getting all stressed out at 17. No real benefit to that.

I don't know anything about the maturity and emotional stability of your girlfriend but she sounds very typical of a young teen who is still growing emotionally as well as physically and is not at all ready for a serious 'love' relationship. Her actions certainly demonstrate this. The girl doesn't know who she is much less what she really wants in a man. That's normal. Some folks don't know at 25 or 30 but very few have that kind of maturity before college-age.

I went through this kind of turmoil at 17 and learned that I wasn't ready for these 'serious' long-term relationships and so I avoided them for quite a few years afterward. I had dates and short-term 'romances' but nothing permanent or binding until I finally met the gentle, sweet and intelligent woman who I (eventually) made my wife.

Now each of us is unique and what I've stated may not apply to you or your girlfriend, but I believe it's generally valid and worth considering.

My advice is to let this girl go, no matter what she says she wants next week or next month. You'll survive and grow from the experience, as will she. I'm not saying you can't be friendly with her or shouldn't have a another long-term relationship with someone else, just that this girl doesn't appear to be ready or able to handle it and will just drive you crazy as you attempt to 'make it work'.

Out of respect and concern for her stability and your sanity, not to 'teach her a lessor' or out of anger, give her up, let her mature and refocus your life for awhile. You'll be better for it.

[Mercury]

1969Mach1.

I hope you take no offense to what I going to say. Its not ment as a stab against anyone.

I personally would let her go. I say this for several reasons.

It may not be love that makes her want to come back to you. Its fear of being alone. Fear of not having a sure thing. I know this from experience. She probably started feeling secure about you alls relationship and thats when things started going down hill.

I'm not so sure about this one, but she may be trying to hang on, to keep from hurting you feelings. I dont really think that is the case here, but its possible.

Or it could be she actually does want you back for the right reasons. I dont know this person, I can only infer from what you have told us.

[Topless In Texas]

Mr. 5.0:

That was very well said - and very good advice!!! Made me think about when I was that age, and there is A LOT of truth in all that.
Life is uncertain, and you NEVER know what will happen!!! At ANY AGE!!! Trust me!!!!

69Mach1: She sounds very indecisive. If she truly was ready for the commitment of just seeing you, I think there would be no back and forth. You sound like a good, guy!!! And I"m sure whatever decision you make will be what is best for YOU!

YOU are the only one you need to look out for!!!

Good luck to you, and I hope things work out well!

Take care,

Topless

[Dragpack]

When I was trying to decide whether to stay with my girl friend of 2 and a half or end it one of my friend said this to me " The pain and confusion only stops when you stop beating your head against the wall." He was right at first it hurts but in time you will learn about your self and what you are missing.

Which reminds me my brother was in this situation only he married her and had to kids. They got married at 19 and we all knew it was to young and they would fight all the time. But to each their own and so they married. She though him out several time and they finally divorced after 9 years. He worked his rear of trying to win her back but she really messed with his head to put it mildly. One day he mate a new girl and he was a changed person. I saw him happy for the first time in years. He said " I never really knew what love was until I mate Marylin" I was shocked to hear him say this and so happy for him, its just really sad he was killed a month later.

[silverv6]

Hey man I think every body is right here. Its because the age. And also how she said "I DONT KNOW MY FELINGS FOR YOU IN A WEEK OR MONTH OR THERE AFTER" well you never say that wen you truly love someone. Wen you realy love someone your feeling wont change for him or her never. So is best for you to let her go I know it hurts but wen I was younger than 17 I had to let a girl go. She broke up with me but she then was saing that she wanted to get back with me but she was saing also like your ex that she wasent shure how it would work out with us later so eventually one of my friends told me just to let her go that it wasnt worth feeling sad for and I did. now im gona turn 20 in one month and im with a girl that im been goin out for 7 1/2 months I told her I wanted to merry her. She said yes and next year we gona get married. But wat im saing is that all of us have gone through that same thing as you. But she will know that she lost a good man. And another thing why would you still have that strip club card in your wallet after you went if you said you werent all into it? You should of just thrown it away. But thats not the case to get mad over a card well any girl would. But also is that she though that the best thing was to leave you but then she realised it wasnt a good desision and know want to get back well theirs lots of reasons why. But its really up to you if you what to get back with her or just let her go and not to listen to any of us. Its really what you feel for her if you wana give it another try so do it and maybe it will work out just fine because she realised that it wasnt a good desision to break up with you

[Topless In Texas]

i wasnt gonna say anything. but I know that in a lot of relationships its taboo to have someone go thru yur wallet!!! Why was she going thru your wallet anyways???? just wondering? I know thats a very sticky subject 4 alot of guys!!

[Crazy Horse GT]

TNT is right on that i dont let odie go in my wallet, & i stay out of her purse she asks me to get something out of her purse ,i just hand it to her, she think's im wierd but i wont go into her purse. i wonder where she got the wierd thing from ,but i wont do it & i expect her to stay out of my wallet.

[7000rpmisheaven]

I had a similar situation when i was 17. Let me tell you how it turned out. My girlfriend couldn't decide if she wanted anything to do with me or not. I dealt with it for a while just as you have. We would always tell each other "I love you." And we would even say that we never wanted to see anyone else. But then she started acting this way. And it hurt so much, but you know what I did.

I finally decided that I wasn't going to let someone treat me this way. I started seeing another girl and I fealt 100% better. I'm am not saying that this is what you should do. Its just something to think about.

[1969Mach1]

Wow that is some great advice. Painful some of it but it's pretty realistic advice that I need to take into hand.

Sad to say I don't think we will be getting back together. As we try to work things out as friends we seem to argue a lot. I think that I've gotten to the point where I don't put up with the crap anymore, sadly to say. Like before I'd just ignore any comments she said that bothered me and now, I'm not putting up with them. But if we talk as friends we are fine. We laugh, joke and everything is great. So I think we'll just be friends for now, I actually had intentions to ask her back out this week, cause I was going to give it a week break and 6T9Pony your advice was what I was going to do but things just arn't working out and I'm going to have to go with the others advice and let her go. Who knows maybe in the future we'll give it a try, but for now things just don't seem to be working.

And I'm not sure why I had the picture in my wallet. I actually never knew, I thought I took it out. I had no intentions on going since it's about a 12 hour car ride away. And I am 'who know's?' why she went threw my wallet. There is a lot of 'who know's?' in this relationship. So, I guess I'm just 1 sad lonely guy. And check out more of my bad luck...I'll be adding a thread with another accident I was in last night (I wasn't driving) but still, it was no fun to be a passenger.

I truly mean it when I say thank you all for responding. I've learned a lot, although it's easier to say it when your older that right now doesn't matter but it really does matter and hard to say not bang your head but when you lose someone you really care for, it's hard to just walk away unhurt and feeling nothing.

Take Care,

§am

[Mr 5 0]

1969 Mach1/Sam:

I'm glad to see you appreciated all the comments and advice, as it was meant with the best intentions and in most cases, based on experience.

We all mean well but you have to remember that we only have the information you supply and that we only get to hear your side of the story. Based on that, we give our advice and hope it helps.
In this case, you decided on your own to part company with this girl, at least as a couple, and of course most of us here will agree with your decision.

As for telling you that it 'doesn't matter', well, let me clarify that statement. Of course what happens in your personal life matters - a lot. I think we all realize that, Sam. What we're trying to do is give you some perspective, which is rather difficult at 17, I know.

We're just attempting to let you know that although this kind of break-up is emotionally painful (at any age, BTW) it will pass and it won't really affect the rest of your life.

You may or may not remember this girl in five years but you'll be very much over her, and probably a few others by then. It's hard, it's sad and it's even painful to break up...no one means to trivilize that reality...but the hurt feeling and sense of loss does pass and you'll be fine, in time. We just want you know that, guy.

Thanks for the kind words of appreciation and best of luck to ya' as you move on with your life.