Before I marry

[RBatson]

I don't visit this site that much, mostly because my wife.. now ex-wife monitored it for my post. Funny I should visit and see this thread. Let me tell you a little story and what I think. Marriage is not about love in this country. I always thought marriage was the ultimate surrender.. ' I love you and always will'. I waited 35 yrs to find that perfect someone, she was perfect.. I mean perfect. As far as looks, I'd sit her next to any woman I ever met and pick her every time. She doesn't realize her beauty for some reason, that's beside the fact. She said the perfect things, did the perfect things.. we meshed. Three weeks into the marriage she was laying in bed and said "When we split up all I want is the Avalanche and alimony". Uhhh what?!?! I'll skip alot but at one point I asked her about some of the things we did together(before marriage) and her response was "I did those things because I knew you liked it and I wanted to make you happy". Hmmm.. well I guess she thought that once she married me she was entitled to half of what I worked the past 16yrs to aquire, to hell with making me happy. She didn't do her homework. Sorry. I got divorced 3 weeks ago. She got nothing. Funny thing about it was that I wanted her to sign a prenup and she didn't want to but later said she would. I showed her my trust by marrying her without one, my bad. It seemed every week she would make a comment like "We should split up now while we still get along". I was completely happy and satisfied, alot of head scratching.. WTF? Apparently she wanted my truck and for me to pay her bills for the rest of her life. In her eyes that was doing me a favor. Anyways, I'm going to keep this short.. Marriage in this country is not about love, its a legal contract. I don't plan to ever get married again. If I ever find love again, she can live with me until the day I die. I will not marry her. If I had nothing and she had nothing, marriage is fine. Besides that, no way! I'm seeing a new girl right now and I actually waited until I was divorced. I have another girl lined up if this one doesn't work. I'll leave my options open until I find a girl that wants me for me, if it ever happens. If not, hey.. its a win-win situation. Screw marriage.

[Mr 5 0]

Originally Posted by RBatson

Marriage is not about love in this country.

Marriage in this country is not about love, its a legal contract.

Screw marriage.

I'm truly sorry to learn of your unhappy marriage experience Rick...but it is your experience - and not necessarily true for every marriage. I have been married a long time and we are as much in love today as we were when we first met. My wife and I 'mesh' and always have. She pleases me and I please her and no one is looking for the 'Exit' sign just because we have a disagreement or happen to be grumpy one day. But that's my experience and I don't necessarily think that all marriages are like mine...just as they are not all like your (former) marriage.

All women are not tramps, evil or gold-diggers waiting to take a mans money after a few weeks of marriage. Neither are they perfect Stepford Wives; obedient and docile and just waiting to serve their man. My wife isn't like that, nor is she a witch or a buster in any way. What I'm saying is that I think you over-generalize what marriage is, based mostly on your own unhappy experience.

While marriage may not be right for you, I do not subscribe to the premise that it's just 'a legal contract' and 'not about love'. It is about love in many cases but marriage takes serious committment, hard work and the ability to realize that marriage is a matter of mutual sharing, not a way to have convenient sex and get someone to cook and clean for you or to get ahold of someone elses money and run with it.

Unrealistic expectations going into marriage is a large part of the divorce problem, along with too-easy divorce laws and an attitude of 'I'll try this and see if it works', often secretly thought while pledging your love to another 'until death do you part', which dooms the chances of a successful marriage right from the beginning.

I wish you well, Rick but I do not accept your take on 'what marriage is', however, as you are divorced and I'm happily married, I think my take may be a tad more realistic.

[jocatmust]

I am very please to see men voice their opinions. I do agree that some women make it bad for all. Alot of my friends talk on and on, on what a guy can do for them. I think this is wrong and that you should judged each other by who they are. I am sorry for you men who have had to suffer b/c of this. I was once married and now divorce. I am still very sad of this and feel I will never move on. My x asked me to sign a pre-nup before we married. I told him that I felt like that each of us should marry on trust and love. It made me feel that my x was setting things up so he could bail any time he wanted. I did tell him that I would take it to a lawyer and have clauses put in there for myself and then sign it. I felt if he wanted it, he could pay for it and take care of it. He didn't and that is not my fault. I wish we had, so maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe we would still be together. In fact, I suggested for us to get a post-nup that you can do in our state to waive what he wanted me to do. No dice. On my wedding day, in fact four hours after we married, he mention his x, it crushed me. I believe in marriage no matter what. On Thanksgiving Day, he almost hit me b/c I tried to wake him up to eat. I also find out secrets he kept from me. It wasn't the secrets, it was the fact he lied to me and kept them. I stayed mad for awhile and you know us women how we can be. I said some things to my husband I should not have b/c when I get mad, I run my mouth, which I will regret for the rest of my life. My husband drank and was not always nice at times. As far as the pre-nup, I do not have a problem with signing away rights to his stuff that he own before me. It is only fair, in fact, in the divorce, I only asked to take my name back and nothing else. I can prove this b/c I have all the papers. I could have done some things. I married for love and if I could not have his love, I wanted nothing. I finally moved away from town to force myself to move on with my life. My x is with someone else and I hope the best for him. He did alot of things to me in the year separation and he deserved stuff done to him, but I love him. I felt he had issues and bad women in his life that made him to do what he did. I could only give him sympathy and mercy. The divorce was very simple, Absolute Divorce. I am planning on going back to school for my third degree and get into this travel program when I am done. I want to go to Alaska for a little while or Hawaii. I guess skys the limit. If one day there is someone meant for me, God will send them to me. Everything in life is a learning experience. I have learned a great deal through my whole experience. Life has ups and downs, and you never know what will happen. Right now, my grandmother is on her death bed. It is sad and she is suffering, but it makes you realize life is to short. Guys, be honest, and understand that all women are not bad. I do understand why yall feel the way you do. It is hard on both sides. The divorce rate in this country is scary. I am hoping that eventually both sexes will take commitment and marriage seriouly. I regret what has happen to me, but I would not change it, as bad as it has been, for nothing. It taught me a great deal and made me a better person. I live with the guilt of things I said to him and that is it. Thanks for listening to my opinion and I usually don't come to this site anymore for personal reasons, but this issues touch me. Good luck to all!

[Unit 5302]

I think it's kinda like police officers. One bad officer makes a bad impression on all police officers. Just a very few bad experiences can lead to the formulation of stereotypes. Obviously much more so with marriages that go bad. There is a lot more hurt involve in a relationship than their is with a cop making your day miserable.

Jim (Mr 5 0), I would agree that marriage should be the way you want it to be. I also believe that people are not as "good" as they used to be. The respect that I was taught for other people and their property is blatently missing from our society so is it realistic to expect that younger members or their generations bring such honerable intentions to marriage concept alone?

Stang_Crazy it's noble to give less credence to material wealth in this day and age; however, money has become increasingly important to ensure that people have the freedom to live their lives in happiness. It seems as though just about everything costs money these days, and I've seen a number of people that have suffered greatly at the hands of greedy ex-spouses. We're talking about people literally being homeless because they can't afford the child support/alimony in concert with food and shelter. By homeless I mean living out of trailers or vans, not walking the street with a shopping cart.

I believe your lack of concern regarding financial well-being allows for an increased risk that you or somebody else would be taken advantage of. Just like identity left. It's a booming business because it's so profitable and easy. Many people do not take necessary measures to protect themselves, which makes it more lucrative for people that specialize in that heinous crime to continue their illegal activities. If they were not able to make so much money for such little effort, they would not choose to exploit people in that manner.

By the way, in my jackstands analogy, I'm commenting on your personal safety. Who cares if the car falls? It's not going to do too much damage to the vehicle. Now, as for the human underneath it.... that's a different story.

[Dark_5.0]

Anyone not worried about material possesions when entering into marriage is a fool. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.

[RBatson]

I'm glad someone else said something opposing to what I said. There needs to be two contrasting views shown but.. I've had a year of seperation to think about this subject and I've thought about it alot. I came to the conclusion that love is not a contract, it doesn't want. There is nothing that marriage can add to love that money can't buy... and money isn't love. Marriage is indeed a contract, go talk with a divorce lawyer and you will see what I mean.

Originally Posted by Mr 5 0

Unrealistic expectations going into marriage is a large part of the divorce problem, along with too-easy divorce laws and an attitude of 'I'll try this and see if it works', often secretly thought while pledging your love to another 'until death do you part', which dooms the chances of a successful marriage right from the beginning.

I wish you well, Rick but I do not accept your take on 'what marriage is', however, as you are divorced and I'm happily married, I think my take may be a tad more realistic.

I agree with you about the unrealistic expectations and the general acceptance of divorce today playing a major role. Everyone is waiting for the perfect person but no one seems to realize there is no perfect person. The opportunist don't help the matter any.

I never expected I'd ever get divorced but it became painfully obvious it was something I would be unable to avoid after the marriage. That fact that you are happily married(congrats!) and I am recently divorced doesn't make your view any more realistic than mine, in fact I feel its just the opposite. I feel my view of 'marriage today' is more realistic. Being married doesn't make you love each other any more or less.

I wish you the best too, Jim.

[Mr 5 0]

Originally Posted by RBatson

That fact that you are happily married(congrats!) and I am recently divorced doesn't make your view any more realistic than mine, in fact I feel its just the opposite. I feel my view of 'marriage today' is more realistic. Being married doesn't make you love each other any more or less.

Rick, it's obvious that two people don't have to be married to 'be in love' and that marriage does not automatically make your love any more or less real. I never said it did. However, the fact of being married and staying married because you both want to be together is a pretty good indication of a mutual love and respect for each other that the absence of that formal committment (of legal marriage) lacks, in my opinion. Live-in's and other arrangements outside of marriage rarely last more than a few years, as there is no real committment and - as singer/songwriter Paul Simon once wrote (and sang): There are (at least) '50 Ways To Leave Your Lover'.

While today's newlyweds may be less inclined to enter into marriage as a lifelong, 'Till death do us part' committment and pre-nups are common, the fact remains (and is often unnoticed) that even with a near-50% chance of a married couple divorcing, millions of married couples DO remain married for life - to one partner, even in a society that has obviously de-valued marriage as the accepted social norm. I think it would be a safe assumption to conclude that the majority of those married 'lifers' are happy in their marriages, understanding that the concept of 'happy' is always relative.

While we may be on opposite sides in terms of our marriage experiences, I think that simply helps any readers of this thread see a diverse set of views. That we each bring a certain level of bias to the discussion is no crime, as those individual biases are transparent and held without rancor. I happen to see marriage in a more positive light because I am happily married and know others who are equally successful in their marriages. You have had a negative experience with marriage and see it with a more jundiced eye, as it were. I think we both have points to be made and I am more than willing to let readers decide on where the truth lies, although, when discussing something as personal as marriage, it is rather difficult to be truly objective, as we both have proved here.

[Unit 5302]

Originally Posted by Mr 5 0

...that even with a near-50% chance of a married couple divorcing, millions of married couples DO remain married for life - to one partner...

Actually, the number of people that stayed married to each other is greater than the 50% because people who get one divorce are statistically more likely to divorce again. Thus the divorce rate may be 50%, but the number of people getting divorces is significantly lower.

I hope that actually brightens your day a little, as it does lend support the marriage concept, and the fact that more people stay together than what might initially be theorized based on the simplest divorce statistics.

[btr]

No prenup here. Got married right out of college with 2 cars, a truck and a dime in my pocket. I could see a prenup if you have a lot of money before the marriage and the significant other had nothing.